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Post by Honstlar on Jul 4, 2022 19:43:47 GMT -6
Synopsis: Coach Z is going through his Post Mid-Life Crisis Life Crisis and Gfd and Homestar decide to help him feel young again.
{Crackly marching band music plays in the background of an old, grayscale television screen. Text appears reading:
Electric Film Corporation presents a "Newsreel" for "Sports Fans"
Flimed in Glorious Sound-O-Vision copyright 1940
Cut to an overhead shot of a football field.} Announcer: {Voiceover} Dateline: Factory/Circus District, 1936! {Cut to 1930's era live action footage of a football game.} Announcer: The Great Depression is still in swing, and everyone is trying to drown their sorrows with one of America's 5 and a half pastimes, football! {Cut to Old-Timey Coach Z playing football.} Announcer: And nobody footed the ball quite like FCD's own hometown hero, Martin Zee, a.k.a. the Fort Wayne Locomotive! Here he is about to win the Frangston Title at the Forty-Tirst Annual Bigg Bowl. {Cut to the audience, where we can see a very young Coach Z.} Announcer: And there's his son, Coach, cheering him on!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jul 26, 2022 23:04:04 GMT -6
{in an absurdly high-pitched voice} Run the picket fence at 'em, pops! {Cut back to Fort Wayne doing various football-related things.}ANNOUNCER: This son of a gun is exactly the bee's knees the team needs this season! I reckon he's about to score the touchdown that'll win them the tourney, and do so with both style and several trolleys' worth of panache. {Fort Wayne trips and falls flat on his face.}
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Post by Honstlar on Jul 26, 2022 23:33:23 GMT -6
ANNOUNCER: Ooh, and Zee takes a nasty fall! {White stuff splats onto Fort Wayne's back} ANNOUNCER: And a bird poops onto his back! {More bird poop splats onto him.} ANNOUNCER: Make that a flock of birds. {An old-timey car falls from the sky and lands on him.} ANNOUNCER: And a brand new Ford crushes all of his bones! {The car bursts into flames.} ANNOUNCER: Now it's caught on fire! {Fort Wayne slowly crawls out from under the car.} ANNOUNCER: And it looks like Zee is about to make it out- {The car explodes, leaving behind only a helmet and a pile of ash} ANNOUNCER: Nevermind. {A group of little boys jump out of nowhere and start stomping on the helmet} ANNOUNCER: And the kids of the rival players are desecrating his remains!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Aug 8, 2022 23:08:07 GMT -6
{The group dissipates. A thumbs-up emerges from the ash.} ANNOUNCER: Miraculous! It appears good ol' Fort Wayne is still kicking! Perhaps he can score that touchdown after all! {The football speeds through his arm, shattering it to pieces. His remains are then crushed by a falling headstone.} ANNOUNCER: Oh. That's rather gruesome. Let's cut to something more wholesome, like the adorable melon-headed babies in the audience! {Cut to Coach Z in the audience with shocked, widened eyes.} ANNOUNCER: Aww, how adorable.
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 25, 2022 22:50:37 GMT -6
{Fade to a very unkempt Coach Z at his desk, looking immensely bored.} Sigh... {A knocking is heard.} {Offscreen} Uh, Coach?
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Oct 26, 2022 21:00:40 GMT -6
Corm in. {Homestar enters the office.} Coach Z, you haven't come out of your office in two months. Are you going through a mid-life crisis again? I think this orne's worse. It's the farbled Porst Mord-Lorf Crorsis Lorf Crorsis! Oh no, it's so bad I can't even understand you! Could it be... the fabled Post Mid-Life Crisis Life Crisis? Thaert's whart I saird.
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 26, 2022 21:32:56 GMT -6
OH NO! I gotta get help! {Gfd pops out from behind Homestar.} Did someone call for me? Your name is Help? I thought it was Gfdgsgxgzgdrc. No, but it probably means help in a couple of languages! May noime mains ketchup in a fyore languadges! Sweet merciful me! Is that the telltale sign of a, gulp, Post Mid-life Crisis Crisis?!?
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Oct 26, 2022 21:49:41 GMT -6
Worse! A Post-Mid-Crisis-Life-Post-Crisis-Life-Life-Crisis-Crisis! Why do you korp chaernging the narme? Good thing I have a PhD in PMCLPCLLCC-ology, otherwise your friend here might be toast within the next hour. Post-Life-Life-Life-Mid-Crisis is fatal?! Not if I have anything to say about it! What's the cure, doc? COACH Z MUST BE ENYOUTHENED! A brilliant idea! Youthenize him right now, doc! {holding up an axe} Sure thing! Wait! How's thaert going to maerke me feel yourng again? {puts the axe down} Sorry, the phrasing threw me off.
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 26, 2022 22:01:02 GMT -6
TO THE LAB! {An old Batman-style transition appears, with Homestar and Gfd's heads used as a logo to designate a scene change.} Voice: {imitates the music that plays during old Batman-style transitions} {We see Homestar, Coach Z and Gfd in the laboratory from Lunatic Laptop. Coach Z is strapped to a table, and Gfd is wearing fake ears and a Ghostbusters: Afterlife shirt.}
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Oct 26, 2022 22:34:05 GMT -6
What's the first order of business, doc? Scalpel. {Homestar hands Gfd a scalpel. Gfd cuts off Coach Z's hat, revealing his brain underneath.} Just as I thought. It's got "Post Post Mid-Life Crisis Crisis" written all over it. So what do we do? {gets out a pencil and rubs the eraser on Coach Z's brain} Wipe it out... {writing} and replace it with "Young Person". So that's how aging works! The next part of the procedure is surround him with evocations of youth. Good idea! I'll go find him a college dorm room and some crippling debt! No, he's too far gone. We need to go younger. Get a pacifier and a sippy cup, then put on "Whaddaya Know, Haddi-Man?".
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 26, 2022 22:41:47 GMT -6
DVD or VHS? Either or! I'll prepare the Dyna-Crib 2000!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Oct 28, 2022 0:00:19 GMT -6
{Cut to Coach Z in a crib as a mobile dangles above. Gfd enters the room.} How do you feel? Still awrful. Can I get ort now? Now, now, it'll be okay. Here, have some applesauce and you'll feel better. Oh boy, orplesorce! {Coach Z gobbles up the applesauce, and shrinks slightly as he does so.} It's working! {gets out a remote control} What do you want to watch? Is dad on the fortball channel? Not right now. How about some Haddi-Man? Yay! Haddi-Man! {Gfd turns the TV on.} They were airing this show all the way back when Coach Z was a kid? Homsar's an immortal deity and creator of the universe. He does not age. And he spends his spare time making children's entertainment? He's good at what he does. {on the TV} Now, before we go, let's take a moment to forget about pine needles! STAVE IT OFF GUY: {on the TV; singing} Q, G, X, L... those are four letters. Can you read them all? I can! I can! {Coach Z shrinks more.}
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 28, 2022 0:14:18 GMT -6
Well, we seem to be doing something right, let's go down to the cloughb. Aye aye, captain! (Homestar and Gfd walk off.) What could possibly not happen to him while we're gone? (Coach Z shrinks again. We then cut to a title card reading...) French Narrator: Five Hours Later... (Cut to outside of the lab. Gfd is in his normal attire and Homestar is wearing a lampshade on his head.) (Drunkenly) Wow, Mr. Feeny, that was the best cha-cha I ever done tasted, and that's no lie!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Oct 30, 2022 1:08:57 GMT -6
{They walk inside the lab.} What were we doing here again? Something to do with that old sportsman, methinks. Oh yeah, the one with the face and stuff. Why isn't he here? He turned unvisible and danced the night away! There's only one possible explanation... he's de-aged into microbe form! Hey, that's what I said. {kneels in remorse} NOOO! How could I let this happen? Why is life so filled with tragedy and sorrow?! {takes the lampshade off his head} Oh wait, he's over there. {Cut to a baby Coach Z in the corner of the room.} Ah. Never mind. {Baby Coach Z shrinks again, becoming no longer visible.} Okay, now he's de-aged into microbe form. Aren't you gonna be all sad about it again? Nah, I've already been through it once, I'm used to it now.
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 30, 2022 1:29:00 GMT -6
Now whats do we do? Well, we won't be able to do much with him this small, that's for sure. Luckily, a Big-Ray just so happens to be one of the many items I keep in my Hat O' Fun®! {He takes off his hat and pulls out a sci-fi gun, which he points at the area where Coach Z used to be.} Fire in the hole! {He fires the gun, causing a large green bacteria with Coach Z's head to grow to visible size.} That's more like it! All the orther bacteria just beat me orp. Well, at least his speech is back to normal! Or at least the Coach Z version of normal.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Oct 30, 2022 1:47:43 GMT -6
So now how do you feel? I feel sweller than ever! I think I've got this whole Post-Life-Mid-Post-Crisis-Life-Crisis thing all figured out now. Great! I think our work here is done. Uh, is it just me, or does he have no arms or legs? Ah, yeah. Well, who needs 'em! You're a coach. Hey, some o' my best airthletes are missin' limbs! I may not be able to pick stuff orp, but who hasn't hit a saccer ball with their head, or dragged themselves across the fierld with their tongue? I think I've got some bad news about that last part. {Coach Z splits into two.} Hey look, my first mitosis! We're going to have to get Coach Z back to normal before he fills up my lab with clones. How do we do that? How am I supposed to know?! I have a PhD in Post-Post-Mid-Mid-Life-Life-Crises, not Turn-Ameobas-Back-Into-People-ology!
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 3, 2022 18:20:38 GMT -6
Well, do you at least know some one who does?
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Nov 10, 2022 21:26:55 GMT -6
{Cut to SRMX12 and Happy 8600.} Now calculate the circumference of the Laniakea Supercluster! 27. Excellent. Can you run diagnostics on CPU process networks? I don't know what that means. Ah, I'll have to make note of that. {typing on the Prisma One} To do: Teach Happy 8600 how to run diagnostics on CPU process networks. Then learn what it means to run diagnostics on CPU process networks.
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 10, 2022 22:08:07 GMT -6
{A phone ringing is heard.} Hang on, I'm getting a fax. {A flattened Homestar and Gfd are dispensed out of Happy's printer slot onto the floor. They then stand up.} Glasses Me, Superbox, Coach Z turned into a giant amoeba and we need your help to get him back to normal!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Nov 17, 2022 2:40:26 GMT -6
Aw, I hate having to turn ameobas back into people. Do either of you have a PhD in Turn-Ameobas-Back-Into-People-ology? I don't. I have access to all online information pertaining to the reversal of Ameobosis. How much information is that? Throughout recorded medical history, there has been one confirmed case of Ameobosis: Coach Z, 2022. That's all there is. So you're saying this is unprecedented. SRMX12, I thought you said you hated turning ameobas back into people. Yep! I haven't even done it yet and I already hate it! You wanna come with us and hate it even more? Well, you never know how much you hate something until you try it. So, sure, why not. I will accompany you for emotional support, technical support, and back support. {takes out a business card} I'm also a certified chiropractor.
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Post by Honstlar on Jan 21, 2023 18:59:37 GMT -6
That's nothing, I'll have you know I'm a certified velociraptor, compsognathus, and rockolopodon.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Feb 2, 2023 1:00:34 GMT -6
{Cut to Homestar, Gfd, SRMX12, and Happy in the lab. There are now three large Coach Z ameobas.} You're looking very hairndsome today, Coach Z. Thank you, Coach Z. Has anyone ever told you that you have really good dental hygierne? No, but I take great pride in my thorough flossing! ...Why did it have to be Coach Z?
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Post by Honstlar on Mar 5, 2023 4:02:06 GMT -6
The real question is... Why wouldn't it be Coach Z?
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Mar 10, 2023 2:46:47 GMT -6
Okay, so. What do we do first? This is an unprecedented medical phenomenon. The only way we can move forward with curing it is through trial and error. Trial #1: Can you stop being an ameoba? Okay, I'll try. {Pause.} Did it work? {scratching something off on a clipboard} Trial #1 is a failure. Moving onto trial #2. Can you stop being an ameoba, please? {Pause.} Trial #2 is a failure. How many of these have you thought of? Can't you skip ahead a bit? {flips through the pages on his clipboard} Proceeding to trial #4,017,256. Gurgling orange juice to the tune of the Guatemalan national anthem. Don't bother, I tried it earlier and it did nothing.
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Post by Honstlar on Mar 10, 2023 2:54:41 GMT -6
(Annoyed) That's because you're not an amoeba. Oh right, I keep forgetting that.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Mar 10, 2023 3:12:52 GMT -6
Wait, does this trial involve you gurgling orange juice to the tune of the Guatemalan national anthem, or Coach Z? This one's me. Trial #7,009,154 is Coach Z doing it. Can't we take a more scientific approach to finding a cure? Can't get more scientific than orange juice. It's made of chemical compounds! And atoms!! Perhaps we could observe the symptoms of Mr. Z's ameobization and postulate countermeasures. That's even better, I love postulating countermeasures! Like bees! And atoms!!
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Post by Honstlar on Apr 27, 2023 18:53:04 GMT -6
Sorry, can't help you with the postulates. The last time I tried to use those, the guy wouldn't stop eating my welcome mat until I gave him a bigger tip! You're thinking of Postmates, not postulates.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on May 16, 2023 22:57:00 GMT -6
Let's start by deducing the cause of his current condition. Ooh, I know this one! We wrote on his brain, put him in a crib, and made him watch classic Haddi-Man 'sodes. Well, why didn't you tell us earlier?! Of course, that would turn anyone into an ameoba. Wait, he's an ameoba? I thought he was an ameeba. They're pronounced the same. No they're not, ameoba has a silent O in it. Ameeba has a non-silent O. Look it up! Regardless of whether he's an ameoba or an ameeba, we should take the circumstances of his ameobization and reverse them. So, like surround him with old person stuff? I'm on it! I'll get some socks, sandals, a walker, the sunday papers, and balding lotion! I already own three of those! You're off to a great start! Now try shaking your fist at the whippersnappers on your lawn. I'd love to, I hate whippersnorpers! But unfortunately I can't seem to find my fists under all this protozoa.
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