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Post by Honstlar on Jun 11, 2022 2:59:01 GMT -6
Want more Collabo-Fiction® styles but have an adverse distaste for fan characters? Than have we got the series for you! Introducing Homestar Runner: B-Side! A new series of scripts that keep themselves firmly within the established "canon" of the Homestar Runner universe. All your favorite styles will be featured! Teen Girl Squad, Cheat Commandos, Sweet Cuppin' Cakes, Stinkoman, Strong Bad Emails, Storybooks, Six Sadded Die, Old-Timey, maybe even ones nobody remembers like Bubslegum Comics or The King of Town's Very Own Quite Popular Cartoon Show! Any thang ding is possible! As a test run, we present to you a brand-spanking new hremail that finally gives the origin of The Stick that other email show refused to! Madies and lentilgen, I give you...
hremail #1234 - the stick
{Homestar is in silhouette, sitting at his desk. A coffee mug labeled "Cherry Vanilla Br♥wn" can be seen. The camera is zooming in on him.} Buckle the baseboards folks, it's the year-round winter blast, Homestar Runner! {Homestar Runner's Theme Song plays as the scene zooms out and is lit. Applause is heard. The desk is shown to have the label "This guy!" on the front of it, with an arrow pointing to Homestar. Homestar himself is smiling looking back and forth.} Thanks, mysterious specter! This week's question comes {produces a paper} courtesy of Binky from Texas, who writes... {reads in a Southern Texan accent}{The email is read with a view of the sheet scrolling down as Homestar reads it. Homestar doesn't read the signature.} Well, first of all, Binky, it's no wonder why you weren't able to grow your toenails, it isn't toenail growing season yet! {He pulls out a calendar.} That's not 'till August. {He tosses the calendar to the side.} Second of all, if you're looking to grow something, you came to the right place. I can grow anything: plants, grass, trees, even impatient! Though Marzipan's always telling me to grow something called "up" and I refuse to believe that's a thing! But the best example of something I've grown just so happens to be none other than... {Cut to a close-up of Homestar.} Dun dun DUUUNH! The Stick! {A thunderclap is heard.} Woah, where did that come from? Anyways, the story started a long time ago... {Cut to a shot of Homestar standing in the Field.} {voiceover} ...when I was standing in the field for no particular reason. {onscreen} Ah, nothing like standing in place for no particular reason on a sunny day! Boy, I really wish how I got here or why I have decided to keep being here. (Pause.) My boat take- {A large log falls on Homestar.} {muffled} Well, hello to you too, giant splinter. {Push wipe up Homestar heavily bandaged, legs in casts, and sitting in a wheelchair in a hospital.} {voiceover} After about a week in the hospital... {An exaggerated feminine hand with a blue glove emerges from the left and injects a syringe into Homestar's forehead.} Ow! {Cut to a shot of Homestar examining the log in his living room.} {voiceover} ...I decided to further investigate the splinter. {He bends down to look at the log.} This means something. {He pulls out a fork and starts to comb the log with it. It makes a horrendous screeching noise.} This is important.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 11, 2022 21:34:06 GMT -6
{voiceover} But what could it mean?! My mind devoid of answers, I turned to my colleagues. {Cut to Homestar talking to Marzipan.} ...And that's when I found little Jimbo over here. He's an extraterrestrial being intent on the destruction of humanity! Ain't that just the cutest thing? Homestar, that's a log. {with an annoyed look} Marzipan, I don't know how much you know about plants, but I'm fairly certain that thing's called a splinter.
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 11, 2022 22:48:15 GMT -6
{Cut to a close-up of Marzipan. Her eyelids are lowered.} No, a splinter is a- {Homestar pops into frame.} No, it's not!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 16, 2022 0:19:49 GMT -6
{Cut to Homestar talking to Strong Bad, who is checking an email.} And his name is Freddles and he likes to eat pretzels and applesauce all the live-long day. He's a bestselling author in 30 countries! He puts the rest of his preschool class to shame. {simultaneously} So there you have it, that's how I all the time be so cool. I don't know if I mentioned this yet, but he's made of wood and is very cylindrical. I'm so proud of how cylindrical he's become! It seems like yesterday that he was a mere parallelogram. {simultaneously} And if you follow my advice, you too can all the time be so cool. So what do you think it means? I think it's a sign of impending doom, or 50% off tuesday at the pizza place. {simultaneously} That's all I have to say on the subject. See you next time! You too! {The Paper comes down.} Wait, Homestar? Since when have you been in here? Probably about a decade, give or take. But you were just standing out in the field! Oh yeah, that was astral projection. Anyway, what do you think of my pet Rufus? He's a really buff branch.
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 16, 2022 0:44:45 GMT -6
A branch? Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to say he's a very swollen splinter. That's a good sucker- I mean Homestar.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 16, 2022 22:49:38 GMT -6
So what do you think it means? I think it means you need to get out of my house. Of course, the answer was right in front of me all along! {Cut to Homestar in Strong Sad's room. Strong Sad is looking through an astrology book.} According to my pseudoscientific findings, in most cultures a log falling from the sky is considered an omen of impending doom, or 50% off tuesday at the pizza place. Hey, I was right! So what kind of log is that anyways? Looks like it might be a sycamore, or perhaps a... No, I meant that book. What kind of stuff is it logging? It's, uh, about astrology... you know, finding supernatural meaning in the otherwise mundane. Astro-loggy, huh? Must have something to do with logs. Don't you have any splinter books? A few, actually, but I thought this might be what you had in mind. Perhaps I could use logarithmic equations to deduce its origin point, and... Logarithmic? As I said, you might want to use more splinterithmic methods.
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 21, 2022 13:30:39 GMT -6
{Cut to a close-up of Strong Sad.} Homestar, there's no such thi- {Homestar pops into frame.} Yes, there is!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 21, 2022 21:57:57 GMT -6
{Cut to Homestar talking to Strong Mad.} ...And it's got a convenient charging port and an unlimited data plan! I call it the Splinter 3000, or "Splinters McGee" for short. What do you make of it? LOOKS FUN TO BREAK. I guess so, but that's only speculation at this point. There's really no way to know for su— {Strong Mad snaps the log in half.} SPLINTERS McGEE!!
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 21, 2022 23:06:39 GMT -6
He needs invasive surgery!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 23, 2022 23:31:11 GMT -6
{Cut to a hospital. The broken log sits on a bed hooked up to a heart monitor.} {in a doctor's uniform and surgical mask} THERE'S NO PULSE. Come on, Splinters! You can pull through this! I believe in you! {Strong Bad, also wearing a surgical mask, cuts into the log.} {flinching and looking away} I can't look! Did you give it any amnesia? I see what the problem is. Thing's got no organs in here. That's not the problem, it's the fact that it's snapped in half! Ah, I see. Well, you're gonna need more than surgery to fix that. I've got staples! You really think staples are gonna work? You've gotta go with scotch tape, at the very least. IT'S BEYOND REPAIR. {walks in wearing a black cloak} Do I sense need of a necromancer? NO! Hate to say it, man, but at this point your best bet is looking for a good funeral home. It's... {choking up} not coming back.
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 24, 2022 0:15:27 GMT -6
But where am I gonna find a mortician at his hour? Do I sense need of a mortician? YES! {Cut to Bubs rolling the log into a large hole in the ground. The Poopsmith is also there.} {offscreen} And so, Bubs helped us give the splinter a proper burial. Alright, Poopsmith, do your work! {The Poopsmith starts shoveling dirt into the hole. Fade to the hole completely filled. Homestar walks onscreen.} {offscreen} And after 147 tall glasses of Marshmellow-nade, I had completely forgotten about the whole thing. {Homestar looks down at the dirt patch.} Ooh, fresh dirt! I bet I could grow me a mighty fine dirt tree. {He pulls out a watering can and pours it on the ground beneath him.}
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 27, 2022 22:31:34 GMT -6
{A stick begins to sprout out of the ground.} Ooh, this dirt has branches! I'd better give it sun somelight for good measure. {moves a cloud out of the way} There we go.
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 28, 2022 0:52:03 GMT -6
{The stick sprouts a little bit more.}
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jul 1, 2022 22:56:31 GMT -6
Wow, this branch is having a real growth spurt! {walks onscreen} Aw, looks like that log had a child! I don't know what you're talking about, but apparently my little splinter is growing a splinter of its own. We're grandparents now! {under her breath} You're grandparents, maybe... {walks onscreen; speaking excitedly} What an unprecedented phenomenon! A log ordinarily lacks the qualities required of plant reproduction. This log must have evolved beyond— Strong Sad, I'm going to ask you to shut up. {walks onscreen} Same here. What's everyone piling up about? You see Strong Bad, when two halves of a splinter love each other very much... Yeah, I'm going to cut you off there. What's that sticking up outta the ground? {with an annoyed look} I believe I just told you it was a splinter. Looks more like a branch to me. It's just a log that's been shredded down. I'd call it a twig! {walks onscreen} IT'S NAMED CHAUNCEY!! Silence, all of you. I think we can all agree that there's only one thing we can describe this splinter as. And that is? {kneels down next to the stick} A stick. {The stick sprouts to its full height.} The Stick.
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Post by Honstlar on Jul 2, 2022 16:07:01 GMT -6
{Fanfare is heard.} And thus, a hang out location was born! {Cut back to Homestar at his desk.} Ya see, Bionicle? If I can make a splinter grow, then I can make pretty much anything grow! So here are my premier gardening tips! Arturo, some visuals, if you please!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jul 8, 2022 21:21:20 GMT -6
ARTURO 9000: As you wish, Mr. Runner. {Arturo brings up an image of a flower being watered.} First thing you need to know is that plants need oxygen, hydrogen, more hydrogen, water, and lots of fresh healthy veggies. Some might say that's cannibalism, but plants don't care. Those little guys are ruthless. {Arturo brings up an image of plant roots in dirt.} Of course, for your plant to grow, you're going to need to make sure it's in a plant-healthy environment. Some will tell you to plant your seed in soil, but I've never found soil very comfortable personally, so I'd recommend planting them in a nice bed or on the couch in front of a TV instead.
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Post by Honstlar on Jul 8, 2022 22:20:16 GMT -6
But plants also need some sunlight... {Arturo brings up an image of a hole in someone's ceiling} ...so make sure to install a sunroof.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jul 26, 2022 23:13:22 GMT -6
{Cut to Strong Bad's computer room. Homestar walks in, holding a shoe with a flower growing out of it.} Hey, the guy whose name is Strong Bad, can I keep this flower whose name is also Strong Bad here? Why'd you name a flower after me? Why'd you think I named it after you?! That's an awfully narcissistic assumption. Strong Bad is a very common and beautiful name. So you didn't name it after me? I didn't say that. Anyway, can I drop Strong Bad off while I do some errands? Yeah, sure. Great. Let's just make sure he's got enough sunlight... {holds up a shovel and starts smashing holes in the ceiling} WAIT WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU— {Cut back to Homestar in his own computer room.} And of course, don't forget to feed your plant a healthy diet of fettuccine alfredo 4.7 times a leap year. It helps them develop their culinary palate, and helps me get rid of my fettuccine alfredo. Marzipan always adds too much soy sauce.
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Post by Honstlar on Aug 30, 2022 12:52:44 GMT -6
Plants also need some love, so give them some of your own energy. And by that... {Cut back to Arturo, who brings up an image of Homestar and a plant sitting at a candle-lit table} ...I mean have a romantic date with your plant. That way they'll get some of your own personality. And if you accidentally call their mother a smelly pig, don't worry! Plants don't have feelings, so you shouldn't feel guilty!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Sept 4, 2022 1:56:23 GMT -6
Unlike with some people. {in a sudden quiet, morose tone} Marzipan still hasn't forgiven me. {Homestar puts headphones on the plant, and mashes play on an extremely expensive jambox.} Playing classical music for your plant will help it grow more smart. It'll be at the top of its class when it reaches kindergarten!
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 26, 2022 22:32:09 GMT -6
Just like me! {Cricket noises.}
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Oct 26, 2022 22:38:23 GMT -6
{Cut to Homestar back at his desk.} Hopefully my advice can help you grow flowers, and help those flowers grow into giant trees! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to water the most important plant of all: Arturo 9000. {Cut to Homestar pouring Mountain Dew on Arturo. "email homestar runner at djmankiewicz@homestarrunner.com" appears on the screen.}
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 26, 2022 22:43:26 GMT -6
ARTURO 9000: It's a living.
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