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Post by Honstlar on Apr 27, 2022 23:57:47 GMT -6
{Static cut to Homestar wearing a Koos Van Den Akker-style sweater and glasses standing in a studio set. Applause is heard.} Welcome back to the Homestar Shopping Network! Now, our next product aims to make those lackluster breakfasts a thing of the past. And now let’s meet it’s inventor, the one and only Bubs Bobiel! {Bubs falls from the ceiling. He quickly gets up off the floor.} Thanks for inviting me. No probs! So tell us a little bit about your invention.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on May 16, 2022 21:37:24 GMT -6
It's a 2-in-1, all-purpose design, sleek, professional product made with care and quality worthy of your entire wallet! The one-size-fits-all solution to at least thirteen of your problems!! Can't sleep? Finances gone awry? Chronic gingivitis getting in the way of global stardom? Consonant clusters got you down? Too many excess vacation days? This product will whisk away the worries so you don't have to! We've got all the features you need for your bustling lifestyle, and a variety of colors and flavors to fit your schedule! Can't taste barley? Kitchenette infested with ducks? No loafing? No problem! No money down, half price, full price, double price! Whatever you need in life, we can provide it! Invest in success!! Available in three separate installments of $49.99.99.99, no money back guarantee, paid shipping and handling, no questions asked, all questions answered! Apply online to pre-order a subscription service that will provide your 30-second warranty today! Be the 100th visitor to dial our cold fresh hotline and you'll recieve a fourth installment and the add-on attachment mostly FREE or your money back! Two out of ten doctors recommend it, and the other eight recommend it even more! Interested? Mystified? Downright bamboozled?! Find out more NOW, ask me how! This deal won't last forever! Come on down, the money won't pay itself! This is your once-in-a-lifetime ticket for a healthier, happier you!!
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Post by Honstlar on May 17, 2022 4:48:07 GMT -6
That's Amazacredicool! {A "TM" symbol appears next to Homestar and a ding is heard.} So, what do you call it? I call it, uh......... Frank. Well, if any of yous out there in TB Land would like to buy your own Frank, call the number on your screen now! {A spinning CGI number 7 appears in the bottom left corner of the screen.} Wow, look at it go.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on May 26, 2022 22:40:25 GMT -6
While we wait for our twelveteen luxurious viewers to start calling in, here's some consumer testimonials! {Cut to footage of Gfd.} Since using this product, my face has gone completely numb and I can only see in various shades of chartreuse. All in all, five stars. {Cut to Gfd again.} This product has completely changed the way I eat bread! {takes out a slice of bread; a realistic mouth protrudes from the side of his head and takes a bite} Thanks, Franks! {Cut to Gfd again.} I cannot recommend this product enough. And believe me... {gives a blank thousand-yard stare directly into the camera, holding a stained knife} I've tried. {Cut to Gfd again.} It's fine, I guess. {Cut to Gfd again.} I give this product one star. And that's saying something — it's really hard to move flaming balls of gas in the vacuum of space. I'd give it more if I could, but frankly I'm exhausted. {Cut to Gfd again.} PLEASE HELP, THEY'RE MAKING ME GIVE TESTIMONIALS AND I CAN SEE NOTHING BUT CHARTREUSE. MY LOCATION IS— {Cut to Gfd again.} Before buying Frank, my bed was free of opossums. Now, it still is. 17/4.38 stars. {Cut back to Homestar.} Such rave reviews from several different satisfied customers. {a phone rings} Looks like we've got our first caller! {answers the phone} This is Homestar "Kevin DuBrow" Runner and you're on Homestar "Kevin DuBrow" Shopping Network! Would you like to order one hundred or two thousand Franks this fine morning and/or evening? CALLER: We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty... Two thousand Franks it is! {hangs up} Another satisfied customer.
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Post by Honstlar on May 26, 2022 23:57:50 GMT -6
{Static cut to a silent black-and-white, fast-motion version of George Carlin preforming the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" routine.} The Announcer: Are you tired of saying the exact same thing over and over again, only for nobody to believe you when you say it? Well, if you've had this exact problem, then have we got the PRODUKT(™) for you! {We hear the sound of a coin dropping into a slot, then the scene wipes to reveal a live-action man wearing a plaid tuxedo and a rainbow afro wig as upbeat saxophone music plays.) Man: Hi, Derek Kooples here for the next evolutionary step in word-talk from your- {The scene pauses like a video tape} Deep Voiced Man: {voiceover, sped-up} Due to an ongoing legal battle, the producers of this advertisement are currently forbidden from referring to the makers of this product as your friends. {The scene unpauses} Derek Kooples: -over at the Thorax Corporation! Tell 'em, Gent!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 1, 2022 0:53:06 GMT -6
{Cut to a very out-of-focus shot of a man in a suit.} GENT DELABOR: Have you been falling on hard times?? Struggling to make your way to GLOBAL STARDOM dot net(TM)?!? I, Gent "CEO and Chief Executive Officer of Thorax Corporation, LLC,,." Delabor, Sr., implore YOU to make the best purchase you'll EVER make in your brief, insignificant time on the face of this planet!! Don't believe me?? JUST ask our WEDMASTER Mark Delabor, he used this PRODUKT(TM) and he totally thinks it's "NEAT AS HECK"!! Who are YOU to miss out on the OPPORTUNITY of a LIFETIME (trademarked slogan, patent pending)?!?!?
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 1, 2022 0:58:33 GMT -6
{Cut back to Derek.} Derek Kooples: Uh.. are you gonna tell the people what this PRODUKT(™) is? {Cut back to Gent} GENT DELABOR: Oh right, sorry 'bout that. I, Gent "HotBod HandsomeFace of The Year 2004, As Voted By Employees Of Thorax Corporation, LLC,,." Delabor, Sr., have been forgetting to take my MIGRAINE PILLS(TM) and I plum forgot to mention that this particular PRODUKT(TM) is called... {A logo appears reading...} GENT DELABOR: Talkios!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 11, 2022 21:07:10 GMT -6
{After an uncomfortable pause, cut back to Derek.} DEREK KOOPLES: Gent, can you elaborate on what exactly Talkios are? {Cut back to Gent.} GENT DELABOR: Don't the NAME and 5-STAR PRODUKT LOGO speak for THEMSELVES?? What More Do You Need To Know(TM)?!? If the many, mandy listeners REALLY demand of it, I'll provide a quick, slick, to-the-price-point overview of what this PRODUKT does, and how it can improve YOUR daily day-to-day life'nstyle each day, with help from Talkios(TM)! That's right, I'm using my OWN dang PRODUKT(TM) to help sell the PRODUKT(TM)! That's the power of GLOBAL STARDOM!! {Cut back to Derek.} DEREK KOOPLES: Yes, that is a very coherent string of words you just said. Now get to the point. {Cut back to Gent.} GENT DELABOR: I'm getting to it! You can't rush mass-produced, highly-commercialized Art(TM), Derek!! Do you want another flop like the STAPLEMASTER TRIPLE-AUGHT on our hands?! DO YOU?!!?
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 21, 2022 13:55:48 GMT -6
{Cut back to Derek.}
Derek Kooples: {Panicked} No sir, I do not!! {Cut back to Gent.}
Gent Delabor: I thought so. {Cut to a blue-print-style background, with the handwritten title "How Talkios Woiks"} Gent Delabor: Talkios is a- {A bowl of cereal appears} Gent Delabor: -Talkamin(TM) enriched cereal-style.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 23, 2022 23:13:36 GMT -6
GENT DELABOR: Serve it up in A Bowl(TM) with some premium Milk(TM) style liquid, and don't forget to use our patented Spoon(TM) teknology for maximum STARDOM!! DEREK KOOPLES: {voiceover} Briefly glossing over the fact that I'm 85% sure you don't actually know what "stardom" means... cereal has already been invented. GENT DELABOR: Wait, it has?! Well golly shucks my dag nabbit, I guess it's thyme to grab us ourselves up a HEAPING SPOONFUL and go on a crash-free CRASH COURSE through what this PRODUKT(TM) is REALLY abought! {Gent eats a spoonful of Talkios.} GENT DELABOR: Using our Scientifically-Proven(TM) and 99% safe TEKNOLOGISTICS, we've cracked the code of COMMUNICATION!! With this cereal, YOU (yes, YOU! (yes, I am sincerely and genuinely referring to YOU!!)) can ARTICULATE like nobody's business!!(C)1997 DEREK KOOPLES: {voiceover} So, this product makes it easier to explain things? GENT DELABOR: EXAKTLY(TM) my good man!! When I can't recall a word in my "vast and profound" VOKABULARY, all I need to do is overdose myself on TALKIOS(still TM) and I can DEFIBRILLATOR all my BEESWAX!! DEREK KOOPLES: {voiceover} That's not the direction I was expecting that sentence to go. GENT DELABOR: Well, that's just because I forgot to ENUMERATE my POETRY THUMBS!! {eats another bite of Talkios} As I was BELLOWING, FAR BREEZE is ALTRUISTICALLY FASHIONED to CHERRY PANTS your ETERNAL KNEECAPS!! DEREK KOOPLES: {voiceover} Uh, can we take five? GENT DELABOR: STARCH FORCE(TM)!! {The screen briefly cuts to static before returning to Gent.} GENT DELABOR: Sorry for those "TEKNICAL DIFFICULTY'S"(TM) everyone!! My brain must've left for Cancun with one of its coworkers without telling me, that's all. THAT'S ALL!!! As I was saying, we're Fairly Certain(TM) that Talkios(TM) doesn't have the following side effects: {A list scrolls up on the screen.} GENT DELABOR: Crusty eyebrows! Gushy brain-parts! Philosophical musings! Vast nosebridge! Undeniable stank! Proof of existence! Unfashionable hats! Intestinal fervor! Chronic loss of coupons! Object permanence! An all-expenses paid trip to Cancun! {The list stops scrolling.} GENT DELABOR: We haven't looked into it that much, but we're pretty darn sure it doesn't have any of those side effects. But the best side effect of all is that this fabulous PRODUKT(TM) of ours costs a mere 5.3 installments of FCUSAD$909.41(TM) or ¥3.333(repeating)!! It's such a good deal, you're practically robbing us! There's a reason my last name is an anagram for "ROB DEAL". {He looks behind him to find his stock of Talkios(TM) has vanished.} GENT DELABOR: NO! Those hooligans ROBBED(TM) my DEAL(TM)!!
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 24, 2022 0:32:05 GMT -6
{Cut to an "order now" screen. The ordering information says:} Announcer: To order your box of Sugar-Smothered Talkios Cereal, call 1-800-1-800-1-800. That's 1-800-1-800-1-800. {Static cut to Crack Stuntman standing against a light orange screen.} Crack Stuntman: Hi, blah-kids, BLAH'ma Crack Stuntman. I'm the voice of Rooty-Tooty-Shooty on the Chipper Bandito show!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 30, 2022 0:00:26 GMT -6
{There is a long pause.} CRACK STUNTMAN: So, uh, now that that's been cleared up... can I go?
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 30, 2022 17:01:53 GMT -6
{Whispering is heard} Crack Stuntman: Oh right, the thing! I've been asked by VideoGameSafety.gov to give you the latest tips, tricks and codes for some of the games your favorite over-reacting YouTubers have been playing. So, I went out, got upwards of a few video games, and played the blah-hoozits out of them. So welcome to... {Cut to a flashy title card reading...} Crack Stuntman: (Offscreen) Crack Stuntman's Top Whatever GameTricks and GameFlips! {He pops out from under the title card.} Crack Stuntman: Hey, that could be a magazine! {Cut to footage of Super Mario World.} Crack Stuntman: Tired of having to chase your dinosaur every time you take a hit in Super Mario World? {Cut to Crack's hands holding a SNES controller.} Crack Stuntman: Just press L+R+X+Select+UP and you'll unlock the Super Leash! {He pushes the buttons as he mentions them. Cut to Mario walking Yoshi across the level with the leash.} Yoshi: {Orchestra hit sounds} Mario: I know-a it-a itches, Yoshi, but it-a doesn't come in any other materials-a.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jul 6, 2022 22:00:07 GMT -6
{Cut to footage of Stinkoman 20X6.} CRACK STUNTMAN: That stinkyman game doesn't have a pause button. But what if you urgently need to water the gerbils while you're playing? Simple, just use the cheat code "Ctrl+W" and the game will pause indefinitely. Not only that, but it'll restore full energy and mans when you return! The only downside is it puts you back at the beginning of the level. {Cut to footage of Star Fox 64.} CRACK STUNTMAN: In Kirby: Ocarina of Time, released for the GameCube in 1983, you can use the code "Left-Right-Left-Right-Up-Down-and-some-more-buttons-I-can't-remember" to Warp Whistle all the way to Brinstar! Pro gamer strat for all you speedy runners out there, if you backwards long jump past the first wall in Green Hill Zone, you can complete the game in less than 12 parsecs. {Cut to footage of the board game Monopoly.} CRACK STUNTMAN: Losing a board game? Just tell your opponent that their house burned down. While they're distracted, take all their money! CAMERAMAN: In the board game, right? {Crack Stuntman doesn't respond. A few seconds later, cut to footage of Donkey Kong Country.} CRACK STUNTMAN: This first level of Monkey Island: Banana Mania might seem impossible, but it turns out the developers accidentally left in a glitch that allows you to ascend vertically! To replicate this almost frame-perfect technique, you'll need to press the "A" button while the bottom of King Kong's hitbox is in a state of collision with the level geometry. Experts have referred to this maneuver as the "jump", and it's almost required in most speedruns. {Cut to footage of Portal.} CRACK STUNTMAN: If you can't figure out this puzzle, get someone else to do it for you! If they can't do it either, send it back to the company and demand they fix it. Only 1% of people know about his well-hidden cheat! {Cut to footage of Dark Souls.} CRACK STUNTMAN: This boss was too hard, so I sternly told the game to stop being so mean. It didn't listen, so I jumped up and down on the console as punishment. It stopped working. Now I don't have to play the game anymore!
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Post by Honstlar on Jul 7, 2022 0:52:30 GMT -6
{Cut to footage of Pong.}CRACK STUNTMAN: Tired of boring old Pong'ems? Just plug in 48 controllers and power on the console while holding Fire on 27 of them, and you can unlock Unnecessarily Realistic Mode! {The paddles are replaced with hairy legs and the ball is replaced by a skull.} CRACK STUNTMAN: Ew...
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jul 13, 2022 0:52:03 GMT -6
{Cut to footage of a top-down JRPG.}CRACK STUNTMAN: If you turn this lightswitch off 400 times and enter and exit the room until the screen starts flashing, you'll see a phone number on the screen for two frames. If you call this number, it'll give you the cheat code to teleport to a new area, where there's a 1-in-5000 chance a secret door will appear, then you can take an ice cream cone from the melting man. This guy has elaborate lore that's extensively documented in the game's files, and if you use the ice cream to fight the final boss half a double dozen times and disconnect the controller, you'll unlock a spell that lets you blow up all your party members so you can fight Eternal Ultimus X, the hardest boss in the game. If you die the game is erased from your console, but if you win you get the hidden ending that reveals that the whole game was a dream and somehow wills thousands of mediocre theory videos into existence simultaneously! {Cut to Zelda.}CRACK STUNTMAN: Pro tip: be good! {Cut to Crack Stuntman looking at a boulder.}CRACK STUNTMAN: I'm pretty sure this rock isn't a video game! That tip should save you a lot of trouble. {Cut to footage of Dooble 2.}CRACK STUNTMAN: Playing Dooble 2? So am I! If you can't get past the enemies, just politely ask them to move. Exsquize me, my compatriots, I believe you're lampooning my destiny! {Cut to a close-up of the Eggpo enemies.}NEW EGGPO: What's he sayin'? Is he askin' us to move? OLD EGGPO: {disgruntled sigh} Heee's askin' us to move. CRACK STUNTMAN: {voiceover} Whoa! These guys talk! NEW EGGPO: We can do more than just talk, ya bozo! And we don't take orders from no good guy character! OLD EGGPO: Level design is an intricate art, dating back to ancient times I reckon. You'll come to learn that our placement here is of great importance! NEW EGGPO: Have you no respect for gameplay pacing?!
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Post by Honstlar on Jul 13, 2022 3:11:08 GMT -6
Crack Stuntman: No, but I do have a pacemaker!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jul 16, 2022 12:39:43 GMT -6
{The Eggpo jumps up and hits Dooble.} Ow, my groceries! CRACK STUNTMAN: Ow, my pacemaker! {Dooble falls off the screen.}NEW EGGPO: Now that that sap's dealt with, wanna go grab some grub at Level 8? OLD EGGPO: Absoprobablutely.
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Post by Honstlar on Aug 4, 2022 14:31:16 GMT -6
{Static cut back to Strong Bad on Venus where he is being spit-roasted over a fire.} I'm starting to suspect this isn't the sauna I was promised.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Aug 8, 2022 23:57:04 GMT -6
ALIEN #1: But it very is, sire. "Fire" is a rhyme with "sire", and means is the best kind of sauna for you! ALIEN #2: Yes, is great pleasure for you. Just stay there, all fat and juicy, and enjoy of heatness. Did you just describe me as fat and juicy?! ALIEN #2: I meaned fat in a slender, kingly way, my very liege. Just be honest. You guys are planning to eat me, aren't you? ALIEN #3: {whispering to others} Uh oh. I think he be's on to us. ALIEN #2: {whispering to others} How he'd figure out? Our plan been much secret! {to himself} I gotta find some way outta this jam. My not-being-eaten depends on it! {He looks around desperately. The pile of Earth food catches his eye.} Hey, you guys. You know all that food you brought over from Earth to fatten me up with? ALIEN #1: We be familiar with, yes. Why don't you go over and try it. ALIEN #1: No ways! We be unfamilar with. It could give to us poisons! Simon says go over and try it. ALIEN #1: Aw mans. Can no disobey almighty Simon. {The alien walks over and takes a bite of cheeseburger. His eyes widen.}ALIEN #1: I taste of purest joys. ALIEN #2: You found something better than eye of great Flontha'ark beast? Better than Earthling?!ALIEN #1: Definite! I never eated something of multiple ingredients! Combining foods is most novel concept! If you eat me, I won't be able to introduce you to different kinds of Earth food. ALIEN #1: Hmm. Offer is a very tempt. ALIEN #3: Recall wise words of our great elder? "Give Venusian eye of Flontha'ark, he feed for day. Teach Venusian to suck eyes out of Flontha'ark, he feed for lifetime."
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Post by Honstlar on Aug 18, 2022 4:37:16 GMT -6
Alien #2: "He feed for day"? What, is our great elder Confucius?!? And since when did we know who Confucius was?!?!?
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Aug 26, 2022 0:39:38 GMT -6
ALIEN #3: You is be disgracing name of great elder? He say, punishing of that is cook on fire and feed on brains. ALIEN #1: Free Earthling from flame! We put Ronguloid on it now. You guys are letting me go?
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Post by Honstlar on Aug 30, 2022 12:35:25 GMT -6
(One of the aliens starts frantically taking Strong Bad off the spit.) ALIEN #1: {nervously} Yes, yes! You be free to lead us to many food. ALIEN #3: It be a pleasure for us to take sampling of Earth eat. ALIEN #2: Yeah, that'll be pretty cool. {The three aliens lift Strong Bad into the sky, then they all teleport away. A fourth alien walks over to the firepit, looking like he's about to throw up his stomach contents on the floor.} ALIEN #4: Ugh, that Frank me ordered is no sit well with I. {Static cut to The Pretender holding a guitar.} ANNOUNCER: We now return to "The Warraki Family"!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Sept 4, 2022 2:03:55 GMT -6
E... D... C... {walks in} Learning to play guitar? No, I'm reciting the alphabet backwards. {Canned laughter plays.} Your procrastination is getting out of hand. You got any lyrics yet? I can't think of anything that rhymes with "Grindolo". That's 'cause you've been working solo. You're offering to help me? Nah, you've got twelve hours before the party, that song is a lost cause. {She walks off as the audience laughs uproariously.}
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Post by Honstlar on Sept 10, 2022 22:06:33 GMT -6
Aww, pony oranges! I'll never be the number one dip! I mean, come up with a good song. {Just then, a certain celebrity walks into the room.} Joey Fatone: Perhaps I can help! {The audience applauses so loud, it causes the ground to shake.} Joey Fatone, member of hit 90's boy band NSYNC?!? How did you get here? Joey Fatone: I drove. Well that answers that question.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Sept 17, 2022 0:34:13 GMT -6
Can you help me come up with a song for my favorite 1,021-year-old warlock ghost's 1,021-year birthday? JOEY FATONE: What? No, I'm just here to distract Grindolo so you have more time to write it! But—but—but— JOEY FATONE: Don't push your luck, kid, they only paid me for a three-minute cameo. Can't you at least give me a word of advice? JOEY FATONE: Sure. "Toothpicks". {Canned audience laughter.} Toothpicks? JOEY FATONE: It's the secret to the perfect song. But what does that— JOEY FATONE: And I'm out! {throws a smoke bomb and disappears}{Cut to Grindolo and the minions sitting at the dining room table.} Why isn't the Pretender coming down for supper? I made his favorite food, this one. JOEY FATONE: {appears} And I'm here! {Audience cheering.} Joey Fatone, member of hit '90s boy band NSYNC?! JOEY FATONE: That's probably me! {The audience bursts out in a cacophony of laughter for minutes on end.}
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 3, 2022 18:49:28 GMT -6
{Static cut to Strong Bad and the aliens walking through The Field.}
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Nov 13, 2022 2:27:21 GMT -6
And this place is called Blubb-O's. It's a kind of restaurant we Earthlings call "fast food". ALIEN 1: Good very. We Venusians no like food if isn't it moving. The thrill of the hunt are important to we. No, the food is stationary, but it's served fast. ALIEN 1: Why stationery? I like not the taste of construction paper. ALIEN 2: And why food is being served? What is being served to the food? It does eat? Um... let's back up a bit. Have you guys heard of a "burger"? ALIEN 2: Is it fat blue creature with smiling face and plume of fluid? No, why would you think that? {They approach the Drive-Thru Whale.}DRIVE-THRU WHALE: Have off our grain-tilted delights. ALIEN 3: The Great Zagulon! DRIVE-THRU WHALE: Would you gristle half-bound chirps with that? ALIEN 2: We would happily grant a fifty blades of motor oil, please. DRIVE-THRU WHALE: Thank you, chicken time will be the best time. ALIEN 1: We could never waver such gracious chomps, O mighty Zagulon. I guess this thing is an alien too. That answers a surprising number of questions.
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 13, 2022 2:42:01 GMT -6
ALIEN #2: Venus misses you dearly, Great Zagulon. We are lost without your wisdomness! ALIEN #1: Noes, you be not speaking to Zagulon in non-native tongue! ALIEN #2: Native tongue!? What are you talking about!? You just force everyone to talk like that in order to make us seem more appealing to the Celestial Guardians so we can get that benefit package! ALIEN #1: I'm will be havings that complimentary cookie bouquet if's it thingy I do last! ALIEN #3: Will you please be returnings to Venus with us, Great Zagulon? DRIVE-THRU WHALE: That'll be Tirty-Sven supa-bukz! ALIENS: Hooray!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jan 20, 2023 16:15:49 GMT -6
{The aliens grab hold of the Drive-Thru Whale, as it blasts off out of the ground and into the sky.} Well, that sure was a thing. {Cut to Strong Bad on the Lappier.} Well, Zach 'Em Smack 'Em Robots, I've come to realize that Earth is one of the few planets equipped to handle the coolness of Strong Badia. The moral of the story is, cheap burgers can get you out of deadly situations, under very specific circumstances.
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