Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Aug 4, 2018 14:25:02 GMT -6
(We open on a shot of all the citizens of Free Country, USA inside Strong Bad's basement like in Somber Vacation and Dangeresque 3)
I've been waiting for this moment for years, me on the big screen!
But you've already been in a-
Shut up.
I just hope that Strong Bad didn't abuse the budget I gave him.
All: He has a budget?!?!
(Strong Bad walks in.)
Greetings, people who aren't me, are you ready for the film experience of your life?
I think not. We've recently gotten some feedback that the action movie genre is a cheap cliche turned into a walking punchline wrapped inside a laughingstock. We will only greenlight the product if you make it a lol random cartoon entitled Dangeresque Jump.
Excuse me for a moment.
(Honstlar kicks TCG out of the basement.)
Proceed, continue.
Ladies and gentlemen, feast your beady, Flashimated eyes on... DANGERESQUE 4!
(The Cheat walks over and puts in a laserdisc as music starts playing.)
Greetings, 20 dollar havers. In order to set ourselves apart from the rest of filmmakers, we have taken it upon ourselves to properly credit everyone involved. We begin with our caterers, Bubs' MSG and Gluten Place...
Wait a minute, how does this set you apart from other filmmakers? Doesn't every film have credits?
Yes, but no other film has motivational credits! Shout outs to my editor, The Cheat!
(The Cheat noises)
And to my director... me! And my screenwriter... me! And my lead actor... me! And my distributor... Bubs! And my financier... purple Homsar! And my executive producer... me! And my inspiration... me! And my cool-guy-all-the-time... me!
Hooray for me! {claps} What a wonderful man.
Now that we've got that mess outta the way, lemme introduce you to my next #1 blockbuster of the millennium, Dangeresque 4! Divided by 2. Equals 6. Ha-bring it on!
(We open on a shot of the Brainblow National Bank as Dange-Car-Esque arrives.)
I just parked that!
Yes, you did.
(Off-screen) THIS IS A STICKUP!! HAND OVER THE DIAMOND!!
(Cut to the interior where we see the No-Armed Bandit holding an NES Zapper painted dark blue.)
Banker: But, we don't have the-
DO NOT LIE TO THE NO-ARMED BANDIT!! WHERE IS IT!?!?
Banker: Okay, okay, it's in the safe!
Oh, you think you're so smart, do ya. WELL, DO YA!?!?!
Banker: But it is in the safe!!
Highly doubtful.
Banker: I shouldn't be telling you this...
What are ya gonna do, call the police?
(Dangeresque and Renaldo enter.)
Try the crooked police!!
Dangeresque?!?!
Hand over the diamond, No-Arms... or you're going to have to take a nunchuck gun to the face.
So be it, Dangeresque. When I leave here with this priceless artifact... my reward will be well worth it
Don't be so sure about that. {takes out his nunchuck gun}
{Dangeresque Too comes in}
The pipes are being replaced!!
No-Armed Bandit: Well, if it isn't the other Dangeresque...
Dangeresque Too: That's Dangeresque Too? to you!
No-Armed Bandit: Whatever, mayo-face.
Renaldo: I'm here too.
No-Armed Bandit: 3 against 1, can't say I like the odds, but I'll give it a try anyway.
(Dangeresque fires a bullet at the bandit, which he dodges by ducking.)
So, 'geresque, you like diamonds, huh? Well, how 'bout a diamond TO THE FACE?
{The No-Armed Bandit leaps at Dangeresque, with the diamond pointing towards him, but Dangeresque swings his nunchuck and hits The No-Armed Bandit in the face.}
Ow, my smellspot!! Now you've done it!
(The No-Armed Bandit pulls out his Zapper and is prepared to fire.)
{He fires. The ray is reflected off of Dangeresque's cool, cool glasses, and hits the No-Armed Bandit, who falls down charred and unconscious.}
Seven-syllable catch phrase! {sting}
(Cut to the No-Armed Bandit getting thrown into the trunk, then thrown into Brainblow Prison.)
No-Armed Bandit: Ow, my charred porgadon!
(Cut to the inside of Dange-Car-Esque.)
Renaldo: Well, Dangeresque, we've taken care of the No-Armed Bandit.
Dangeresque: Or did we?
Dangeresque Too: I don't know... Can we stop for tacos?
(Cut to the opening credits, which are similar to the ones from Dangeresque 3. (The game, not the film itself))
STRONG BAD STUDIOS PRESENTS
IN ASSOCIATION WITH HONSTLAR SEMI-SHADY FILM FINANCING
A STRONG BAD FILM
{The logo from sbemail206 appears}
DANGERESQUE 4
÷ 2
= 6
STARRING
STRONG BAD
HOMESTAR RUNNER
COACH Z
HONSTLAR WADDLER
GFDGSGXGZGDRC GARBLES
MARZIPAN
POM POM
BUBS C. STAND
THE KING OF TOWN
STRONG MAD
HOMESCHOOL WINNER
HOMSAR
AND
SENOR CARDGAGE
AS DAD.EXE
WRITTEN BY
STRONG BAD
EDITED BY
THE CHEAT
EXPLOSION CONSULTANT
GFDGSGXGZGDRC
DIRECTED BY
STRONG BAD
{Cut to a dark, smoky city with graffiti and broken windows}
DANGERESQUE: {voiceover} Brainblow City. Also known as CrimeFest '91. The crime rates are through the roof. Kidnappings and bank robbings left and right.
{Cut to a familiar pair of sunglasses on a table}
DANGERESQUE: {voiceover} But it's okay, because it can all be stopped by a pair of cool, cool glasses.
{The sunglasses are picked up by a boxing glove. Cut to a silhouetted figure jumping on buildings.}
DANGERESQUE: {voiceover} That's where I come in. In a town dominated by bad guys, one man can stop it all. And that man is...
{Zoom in to Dangeresque, unsilhouetted}
DANGERESQUE: Dangeresque!
Dangeresque: But despite what I just said, I'm never alone.
(Cut to Renaldo playing with a paddle-ball.)
Dangeresque: I've got Renaldo, a semi-retired turban guy who I recently saved from the now sunken Sidekick Islands...
(Pan to Dangeresque Too? filing the recent case.)
Dangeresque: A spin-kicking rookie with the same name as me, who we affectionately call Dangeresque Too?..
(Pan to Cutesy Buttons drinking some iced tea near the window.)
Dangeresque: And my girlfriend or whatever, the lovely Cutesy Buttons.
{Cut to Dangergsgxgzgdrc Johnson in Perducci's headquarters}
DANGERESQUE: {voiceover} There's also Dangergsgz— Dange— uh, Dangegarble Johnson. He's our local double agent. He pretends to be one of Perducci's minions, spying on him and giving us information. Or... maybe he's spying on us and giving Perducci information. We're not really sure. We need to be extra careful what we say around that guy.
(Cut to Experimento working on some computer thing.)
Dangeresque: As well as Professor Experimento, scientifical genius, and mad inventor...
(Cut to The Chief, who resembles a grizzled, balding Billy Mays.)
Dangeresque: And The Chief... I've got nothing to say, he's just The Chief.
(Fade to various shots of things that Dangeresque has collected during his previous adventures, including Uzi Bazooka's metallic carcass, the tapes, a sample of the serum, an empty Ressy Cup milkshake, and the robotic Santam'n.)
Dangeresque: Throughout my career of being a Private Eye/Crooked Cop/Secret Agent/Enron Stockholder, I have amassed many quote-on-quote, trophies. But nothing will ever fill the father shaped hole in my heart.
(Cut to a black and white flashback of Dadgeresque's death scene from Dangeresque 3.)
Uzi Bazooka: Give me the formula and I'll give you this computer disk of highly important rocket launch codes!
Renaldo: Hey! Professor Experimento's launch codes! We need those!
Dangeresque: No dice, traitor Joe!
Uzi Bazooka: Oh yeah, well what if I ...shoot your dad?
(Uzi pulls out a blue gun and fires it at Dadgeresque.)
Dangeresque: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
{voiceover} It was a fate... that never should have befallen upon a being of this Earth.
(Fade back to Dangeresque checking his e-mail.)
Dangeresque: It's been 10 years since I kicked that tiny cheetah looking thing into the vacuum of space, destroyed a robot with a really cool name, and accidentally left Renaldo to die on that exploding space station near the sun...
(Brief silence.)
Dangeresque: He got better!
{voiceover} With the No-Armed Bandit caught and in jail, I can finally concentrate on my Dangeresquemail-checkins.
{typing in "dangeresquemail.exe"; no longer voiceover} Looks like I'm gonna have to check! My email.
(Reading) Dear Dangeresque, what would you do if you were trapped in a room surrounded by WWII German soldiers armed only with a wooden plank and a mongoose?
Signed,
Genghis Kong,
Berwyn, Illinois.
Well, Genghis, first off, I would take the wooden plank and smash it over the soldiers' heads, and get the mongoose to eat the remains, so I won't get arrested. I'd then dig myself out of the room with my face. Because that's totally a thing I can do.
Then I'd use Dange-Car-Esque's voice commands to get me the heck outta Auschwitz! So, yeah, I'd survive WWII (pronounced dubya-wee) easily.
Signed,
Dangeresque.
(Dangeresque closes the laptop.)
Did the Professor send us any updates on Project: Xerox?
Not yet.
Can someone remind me what Project: Zorro is?
This is confidential information, Renaldo. I can't tell you here, you never know who might be listening.
Marzi— Cutesy Buttons knows what you're talkin' abrat. And she's not even your pratner!
Good point. Despite my cat-like reflexes, inhuman strength, and muscular tolerance to all variety of bullets, it is almost certain that I will die someday. So Cutesy and I decided to clone me! Dangeresque 2 can serve as a business partner— sorry, Renaldo —and take up the crime-fighting, law-fighting torch when I'm old and decrepit! Two Dangeresques is better than one, after all.
But what about me, aren't I your Dangeresque 2?
No, you're my Dangeresque Too?.
I don't understand that.
I'll explain later.
(Stomach rumbling is heard.)
Excuse me, I need to go pee-pee.
(Johnson walks out of the room.)
So anyway, Experimento is working on a cloning machine that will make what I just said possible.
Ooh, science.
(Cut to Johnson walking out of the bathroom.)
That was refreshing. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, the info!
(Johnson pulls out a high-tech communicator)
Johnson to Izzy, come in Izzy.
(Cut to Izu Zabooka (a.k.a. Dangeresque Homeschool) talking to Johnson on a large video screen.)
Izu Zabooka: Loud and clear, Johnson.
Just found out that Dangeresque is planning to clone himself and make his clone a crooked cop associate. I'll see if I can find out more. Maybe you can hijack the operation.
Izu: I'll do it, just as soon as I get my associate out of the pokey.
Excellent.
Izu: I also have a special mission for you.
Tell me more...
(Cut to Dangeresque in The Chief's office.)
THE CHIEF: CLONING YOURSELF? IS THIS EVEN SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE, DANGERESQUE?!
Me and the smart lady have done research on the subject. The science is sound.
The Chief: WELL, YOU ARE WORKING WITH EXPERIMENTO, SO I'LL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT! ANYWAYS, WE'VE RECEIVED INTEL THAT PERDUCCI HAS HIJACKED A MONORAIL AND IS THREATING TO BLOW UP ALL THE PASSENGERS! YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!!
I'm on it, Chief. Time to save that fast train from the living nightmare that is PERDUCCI!!!!
Ooh! Ooh! Can I be's theres?
Sigh... come along, Too.
{Cut to a monorail}
(We see Killingyouguy holding a gun and Perducci holding a remote with a big, red button)
Killingyouguy: NOBODY MOVE!!!
Perducci: I shall say this one more time... If they don't give me my ransom money, ALL OF YOU DIE!!!
(Dangeresque and Dangeresque Too? enter through a window.)
Dangeresque: Not on my watch!
Perducci: Dangeresque!
{Dangeresque leaps up with his nunchuck gun and smacks Perducci in the face with it. Perducci retaliates by kicking Dangeresque in the legs, knocking him down. Dangeresque Too grabs the nunchuck gun from Dangeresque's hand and points it at Perducci, but Killingyouguy takes it. Dangeresque stands back up and leaps off Dangeresque Too's head, hitting Killingyouguy in the face with his shoes, sending him stumbling backwards.}
I still don't get how you managed to kick me down, Perducci. Do you even have legs?
Perducci: That's not important, what is important is that I'm going to kill everyone on this train!
Wouldn't that kill you too?
No, it's... I... j— the thing is... that, well— you... GOODBYE DANGERESQUE! {leaps off the train into a helicopter}
{Cut to a close-up of the remote as he pushes down the button}
Perducci: Huh?
(Peducci presses the button repeatedly.)
Perducci: I thought I told you to hook up the explosives!
Killingyouguy: I DID!
Perducci: But the train isn't-
(Brief silence.)
Perducci: Oh, cr-
(The helicopter explodes)
JUSTICE!! By Dangeresque! {musical sting}
Not really, Perducci did that himse—
{covering Dangeresque Too's face} Cool, cool glasses! {musical sting}
(Cut to the outside of Brainblow Prison, where we see Izu planting C4 near the wall)
Izu: Don't worry boss, you'll be out of here in no time!
(The wall explodes.)
I'm free! Free to wreak havoc amongst the world!! Along with my sidekick...
{Cut to a dramatic zoom-in shot of Onion Bubs, with sunglasses drawn on him}
Diamonocle: Dr. Layers!
(The No-Armed Bandit runs past Diamonocle.)
No-Armed Bandit: Out of my way, Dumbo!
Diamonocle: Dumbo?
(Cut to the inside of Izu's lair.)
Izu: Glad to have you back, boss!
Thanks, foreign-soundin'-name! Now, what kinda evil schemes are we cookin' up today?
Izu: That's the thing, I was just humoring you.
Diamonocle: What do you mean by that?
Izu: Simple, YOU'RE FIRED!
Diamonocle: WHAT?!
Izu: You betrayed us a decade ago, did you really think we would forget?
Diamonocle: Yes?
Izu: We've replaced you with someone better.
No-Armed Bandit: I'm that person!
Diamonocle: But he's just a thief, he can't be a supervillain!
No-Armed Bandit: I beg to differ... KILL THE INTRUDER!!!
Oh man! You really are a supervillain! This does not look good for the Baron Darin Diamonocle!
{Izu Zabooka chases Baron as he runs off}
And we'll keep your little sidekick... for ourselves.
{The No-Armed Bandit picks up Dr. Layers and places him on the side of his supervillain chair}
At last we will have revenge on that crooked cop and his crooked cop friends.
{Cut to Professor Experimento's lab, where there's a big machine}
Is Project Xerox ready yet, Professor? I wanna get in on that twice-style action!
Experimento: Almost done, I still have to configure the mental programmer.*
Dangeresque: But everything else is finished?
Experimento: Precisely, Dan.
Dangeresque: (whispering) What did I say about saying my real name?!
Experimento: Sorry, at this age you forget a lot of things, like whether or not that chick over there a 6 or an 8.
Dangeresque: Can we focus on the machine?
Experimento: Oh yeah, the DNA fabricator has been calibrated, the CPU is up and running, and the regulator ray is fully functional.
Then let's get this duplication party started!
(Don't you want Dangeresque Too to join you?)
Naw, man. That guy's not cool enough to be cloned. He might as well—
{strolling in} So, I hear you're getting cloned, huh? That mess sounds awesome! I'ma do that.
Dangeresque: NO, YOU WILL NOT!!
Dangeresque Too?: Why won't you let me do anything anymore?!
Dangeresque: You're too inexperienced to even finish a spin kick without breaking your tailbone!
Hey, I only broke my tailbone once! Except for that other time. And the other four. But still!
Trust me, Too, the world needs more Dangeresques. It does not need more Dangeresque Toos.
(Dangeresque Too cries a little.)
Dangeresque: Now, get back to the car before you cause any damage to the machine.
(Dangeresque Too walks away.)
Experimento: That was kinda harsh.
Dangeresque: Of course it was, harshness builds character.
(The lab window breaks and a bunch of burglars rush in.)
BURGLAR #1: FREEZE, Dangeresque! {pronounced Dan-GEHR-esqueh}
It's Dangeresque. Who this is?
BURGLAR #2: We're the Armed Bandits! Because we're armed. With weapons and whatnot.
BURGLAR #3: We work for the best supervillain in town. The No-Armed Bandit!
The No-Armed Bandit isn't a supervillain. He's just an everyday criminal. He doesn't have an army or a secret underground headquarters or...
BURGLAR #5: Oh-ho, you'd be surprised. Have you not heard? Baron Darin Diamonocle has been... replaced. Now the No-Armed Bandit works alongside Izu Zabooka and Baron's associate Dr. Layers!
OFFSCREEN CROWD: DR. LAYERS! DR. LAYERRRS!!
The No-Armed Bandit? A supervillain? No... this can't be.
{Dangeresque falls to his knees. Cut to an above shot.}
{shaking his fist at the sky} PERDUCC— Oops. I'm just more used to saying that. THE NO-ARMED BANDIT!!
{Cut to Dangeresque Too walking along the street in the rain}
{sniff} Dangeresque. Who needs a Dangeresque? I can make it fine on my own. I'll start a business. I'll start a bakery! I'll make millions!
(We see a helicopter in the distance, with the cloning chamber in tow.)
Dangeresque Too: I'll make millions of millions!!
Izu: (Offscreen) Ditched by your friend, I see.
Dangersque Too: Who said that?
(Pan to Izu wearing a trench coat and flipping a coin.)
Izu: I did. Friends call me Izzy, I'm just a guy who pops up in the right places at the right times.
Dangeresque Too: Hi, Eddie Izzard!
Izu: I know someone who could help you find a new job.
Ooh, a job, huh? I used to have something like that. Count me in!
IZU: Excellent. Tell me, Dangeresque Too, what do you call yourself?
Oh, I'm Dangeresque Too, former crooked cop.
IZU: Ah. So your partner wasn't treating you well, huh?
Yeah. And I only got paid in ice cream sandwiches. Which isn't half bad honestly.
IZU: Let me take you to my pal, No-Arms. He'll treat you like a partner, and pay you in cold hard cash.
Ooh, No-Arms! That sounds like me!
{Wipe cut to the No-Armed Bandit's headquarters}
No-Armed Bandit: Trust me, Mr. Too, I'll be a way better boss than that other guy.
(Cut to Dangeresque Too and the No-Armed Bandit walking down a hallway.)
Dangeresque Too: Ooh, nicknames on the first day.
No-Armed Bandit: And there's way more where that came from, my good man.
Oh really? Like what?
Hmm. You're not working with Dangeresque anymore, so... you should change your name. How about... Dr. Esque II, burglar/criminal?
Wait, I'm gonna be a criminal?
What? No, I said, um, NOT burglar/criminal. You know, since we're gonna be stopping burglars and criminals. Like that Dangeresque fella.
Dangeresque Too: Makes sense to me!
(The cloning chamber descends from the ceiling.)
Dangeresque Too: Hey, what's that magic machine?
No-Armed Bandit: Oh, that's just the new executive toilet I ordered from SkyMall.
Dangeresque Too: Ooh, executive.
No-Armed Bandit: We need to get the plumbing ready before anyone can use it, so it's your job to make sure nobody tries to steal it and/or use it.
Dangeresque Too: You can count on me!
No-Armed Bandit: Good.
(The No-Armed Bandit walks away.)
No-Armed Bandit: (Thinking) "Executive toilet", that's the best cover up for a cloning machine I've heard all week!
{Silence. Crickets are heard.}
{mumbling} Guarding the toilet. That's right. Ol' Dangeresque Too, toilet protector-er. That could be on my resume {pronounced "re-zoom"}. I'll make millions of millions! This is who I was always meant to be! Take that, Dangeresque. I've found my calling!
{Cut back to The No-Armed Bandit in his chair and speaks into a speaker}
This is Bandit to Izu. I've got Too. Repeat, I've got Too.
{Zoom out to reveal Izu sitting across from The No-Armed Bandit}
IZU ZABOOKA: Yeah, I can hear you. What do we do now?
No-Armed Bandit: Simple. We'll use him to get a sample of Dangeresque's DNA to use for our master plan.
Izu Zabooka: To take over the world?
No-Armed Bandit: Of course.
IZU ZABOOKA: Sounds good to me. So how do we get his DNA evidence?
No-Armed Bandit: Isn't it obvious? Dangeresque doesn't know that Too left to work for someone else. For all he knows, he's still in his car. So we'll get him to convince Dangeresque that I'll give back the cloning machine in exchange for a vial of his-
Izu: Saliva?
No-Armed Bandit: No, that's gross.
Izu: Then what is it?
DNA evidence, of course! Like in a little green test tube.
IZU ZABOOKA: How are you going to manage that?
It'll be easy! Isn't that what DNA looks like?
IZU ZABOOKA: Um... I'll just let you do your thing.
A'ight. Hey, Dr. Esque II!
Yes, supreme overlord?
Quit calling me that. I want you to do a favor for me...
I'm listenin', I'm listenin'.
{Cut to the Professor Experimento's lab}
Hey, Experimento. You seen the time machine? I mean cloning device?
It was stolen!
Nah, it couldn't'a been stolen. I suspect—
{Dangeresque Too walks in}
Oh, hey, Dangeresque Too. What took you so long? Do you know where the transmogrifier is? I mean whatever.
Dangeresque Too: That thing? Isn't it obvious?
Dangeresque: Is what obvious?
Dangeresque Too: Uhhh... HEY LOOK, FRED FLINTSTONE!!
(Dangeresque and Experimento look to their right.)
Dangeresque: WHERE?!?!
(Dangeresque Too quickly puts in a videotape and turns on the TV.)
TV Guy: You're watching live TV, this is definitely not pre-recorded.
TV Guy: A cloning machine has been stolen from Professor What's-his-name's lab by Dangeresque Too. Dangeresque Too claims he will give it back in exchange for Dangeresque's Dan. Er, I mean... DNA.
You stole my cloning machine?!
{in a fake voice} What?! Of... of course not! I would never do that!!
TV Guy: Here is a picture of the thief.
(Cut to a picture of Dangeresque -1 (Homsar) with a number 2 taped to his shirt.)
Dangeresque: Oh, you were framed again.
Dangeresque Too: Yep, that's correct!
So, uh... how 'bout that DNA?
Why should I give you my DNA? You're not the thief, Dangeresque -1 is!
Oh right. Man. This plan wasn't thought out so well.
Wait, what plan?
Dangeresque Too: The plan to get back that machine!
Dangeresque: Oh, that!
(Dangeresque pulls out a vial of DNA from his pocket.)
Dangeresque: Go get 'em!
You betcha! {runs away}
{Zoom out through a screen. The No-Armed Bandit is watching the scene on his supervillain monitor. Dangeresque Too arrives from the right. The No-Armed Bandit spins his menacing supervillain couch-chair towards him.}
Ah. Dr. Esque II. You have my DNA, I trust?
No, but I have Dangeresque's.
Yeah, that's what I meant. It belongs to me now.
Dangeresque Too: Oh, right.
(Dangeresque Too hands the No-Armed Bandit the DNA.)
No-Armed Bandit: Thanks man, now we can BEGIN THE CLONING PROCESS!
Dangeresque Too: Good, I've always wanted to-WHAT?!?!
(Izu pours the DNA into the cloning machine.)
Izu: Time to program him for evil!
Dangeresque Too: What's going on?!?
Don't you see, Dr. Esque II?
It's Dangeresque Too now.
Don't you see, Dangeresque Too? We were the bad guys all along. We only needed you to get us Dangeresque's DNA so we could make an evil Dangeresque! After all, the only person who can defeat Dangeresque... is himself!
{falls to his knees and looks up to the sky dramatically} NOOOOO!!
No-Armed Bandit: (Bends at the knees and looks down) YESSSSS!!
{The cloning machine opens, as steam pours out and a familiar silhouette steps forward}
Dangeresque. Nice to meetcha.
No-Armed Bandit: Dangeresque 2!
Dangeresque 2 and Dangeresque Too: Yeah?
No-Armed Bandit: Extract the DNA of the intruder!
Dangeresque 2: As you wish, boss.
NOOO! Stop, you thief! You'll never get my DNA!
{Dangeresque 2 reaches under Dangeresque Too's hat and gets a tube of DNA evidence}
Hey, how did you know I kept my DNA there?
I'm Dangeresque, remember? I know all about you.
You're not Dangeresque! You're a fiendish impostor!
Eh, same thing. {pours the DNA into the machine}
{The cloning machine opens, as steam pours out and Dangeresque Too 2 steps forward}
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: I'm Dangeresque Too 2.
DANGERESQUE 2: What, are you my partner or something?
Yes, you two are partners.
DANGERESQUE 2: Oh, okay. Can I have a weapon now? I can't defeat Dangeresque without a weapon.
Oh right. Dangeresque has a nunchuck gun, right? I forget what it looks like, exactly...
IZU ZABOOKA: Just tape together a nunchuck and a gun. I have some right here. {hands them to The No-Armed Bandit}
Okay. {looks at them for a second and thinks} Uh... {tapes them together the wrong way} There we go. {gives the gun nunchuck to Dangeresque 2}
DANGERESQUE 2: Cool, thanks.
Now, Dangeresque Too 2...
Yeah?
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Yeah?
{They look at each other angrily for a moment}
Dangeresque Too 2, go to Dangeresque's office and convince him that you're Dangeresque Too, then kill him.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: I'm on it, boss! {runs away}
No! You won't get away with this! {runs after Dangeresque Too 2}
Yeah, you didn't think I'd let you escape so easily, did you? {zaps Dangeresque Too with his NES Zapper, knocking him unconscious}
IZU ZABOOKA: Now we wait for Dangeresque Too 2 to work his magic.
{Cut to the Smoky Office}
Doot doo doot dooo... ah, the life of a crooked cop. So cool, and yet so boring.
{Dangeresque Too 2 arrives}
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Hey, Dangeresque! It's me! Your partner! Dangeresque Too!
Oh hey, D-Too. Didja get the cloning machine back?
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Oh. About that. It... um... it broke.
Aw man! Seriously?! I worked for months on that thing! Or more accurately, paid some professor to do it! With money!
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Yeah, sorry, man. Hey, listen! I've got something to show you. Um... follow me.
Sure! As long as it doesn't involve trying to kill me.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: {nervously} Uh... uh... why would you think that?! That's ridiculous!!
Oh, come on, Dangeresque Too. It was a joke!
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Oh. Oh right. {fake laugh}
{They walk out of the room}
Renaldo: What a normal conversation.
(Cut to the two standing in front of a giant rock with some string wrapped around it.)
Dangeresque: So, why did you want to take me here again?
Dangeresque Too 2: Isn't it obvious? Everybody wants a rock! Especially one that's the size of a mansion.
Oh, of course. Everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around!
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: ...Except, I already wound a piece of string around this one. Sorry.
It's fine. I've got other rocks.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Anyway, I wanted to show you this because there's something special underneath. See, look! {lifts up part of the rock}
I can't see anything under there.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Oh, that's just because it's too small. You need to go under the rock to see it.
{crawls under the rock} Like this?
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Yeah, perfect! {to himself} Man, this is too easy.
Who are you talking to?
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Um... Jerry! Yeah, just my good friend Jerry. What a pal.
Who's Jerry?
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: No one, Dangeresque! I was talking to myself about how I'm going to kill you!
What?!
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Goodbye, Dangeresque!
{Dangeresque Too 2 drops the rock, crushing Dangeresque into tiny bite-sized pieces}
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: {gets out a walkie-talkie} This is D-Double-2 to No-Arms. I did it. Dangeresque is no more.
Excellent, D-Double-2. Now come to my headquarters for your reward.
{Cut to The No-Armed Bandit's lair. Dangeresque Too 2 and The No-Armed Bandit are talking.}
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: So, where's that reward?
Oh. Yeah. About that. I lied.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: What?! I demand a reward, boss! I just killed Dangeresque!!
Fine, fine! Uh... I'll give you... a new star, how about that?
{The No-Armed Bandit gets a white star, draws a face and mustache on it, and puts it on Dangeresque Too 2's shirt.}
There. Good as new.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: I like it! Thanks, No-Arms!
Anytime.
{Dangeresque hops out from behind the cloning machine}
FREEZE!
Oh, hey Dangeresque 2. Did you hear? We just killed Dangeresque!
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Why are you pointing that gun at us?
I am Dangeresque!!
Dangeresque Too 2: What?! I thought I killed you!
I got my main man Experimento to make a realistic robot version of me, just in case I ever get into a dangerous situasche. So you just broke my million-dollars robot. I'm gonna need to rebuild that thing, you know. Pay up!
Sorry, Dangeresque. I'm not paying you anything!
{Dangeresque Too starts to wake up}
Oogh... ugh... what's going on?
Whoa! Dangeresque Too! Where'd you come from?
I zapped him unconscious seven posts ago!
Well, Too... do you wanna fight these impostor clones and their hideous boss?
Hideous?
You bet, Dangeresque!
Izu: Oh no, you don't!
(Armed Bandits rush in.)
Izu: We're not gonna let you end this movie- I mean stop our plan so soon!
No-Armed Bandit: Minimum Wage Minions, ATTACK!
Nunchuck gun! {nunchucks three bandits}
THE PIPES WILL NEVER BE PREPARED! {does a spin-kick, knocking back every bandit}
Ptoo! Ptoo! {shoots a few bandits}
ARMED BANDIT #14: Hyah! {kicks the nunchuck gun out of his hand}
{The nunchuck gun lands in Armed Bandit #29's hands. He aims it at Dangeresque and shoots, but Dangeresque dodges.}
Dangeresque: Ha, ya missed me!
Armed Bandit #14: I wasn't aiming for you...
{weakly} Mr. Esque... I don't feel so good...
Nooo! You shot my partner! How dare you?!
Bandits, away!!
{The No-Armed Bandit, Izu, and the Armed Bandits leave}
Keep it together, Too! I don't want you to go all Peter Parker on me, DON"T GO PETER PARKER ON ME!!!!!
I... {inhale} I can't make it. You... you defeat the bad guys for me. And tell... {wince} tell Renaldo... he... still... owes me... five... bucks... {closes his eyes}
D— Dangeresque Too. Dangeresque Too! Come on! You can't do this now! {silence} Noooooo!
{coughs}
You're still alive? Dangeresque Too! Speak to me!
{Silence}
Unconscious. Aw, man. He doesn't have much longer to live... I gotta get this guy to Experimento, and fast!
(A Batman '66 type transition happens as we cut to Experimento in his lab doing some readings on Dangeresque Too.)
He's not looking too good. We need to get that bullet out in less than three minutes.
Yikes. Is that even possible?
No, it's not... for me, at least. Luckily, my associate, Scientist Methodemew, can help.
{walks in} Hey, everyone. I'm Scientist Methodemew. Heard you need help.
Can you get this bullet outta' Too?
Sure! Just gotta magnet it out.
(He pulls out a giant horseshoe magnet, which the bullet goes to.)
OW!! Hey, stop! Oh, I'm alive again. That's pretty great.
Hey, there's something written on the bullet.
Let me guess, it has his name on it.
No, it actually has some numbers on it.
It looks like binary. All I need to do is type it into my computer here and decode it.
I'm way ahead of you! {types into the computer} It's decoded! The message is...
Be sure to drink your Ovaltine?
It was just a cruddy commercial.
Crap.
Um.. did you put it in backwards?
Whoops, sorry. I pressed the wrong button. I pressed "Commercial" instead of "Decode". {presses button} There we go.
What does it say?
"Remember the monacle."
Oh no! It's worse than I thought!
What?
Those villains misspelled "monocle"! Those diabolical fiends!
Wait a minute... diabolical... monocle... ah-ha! I know what this means! But you're not gonna like it.
{Cut to Brainblow City Prison}
Ah, so nostalgic. Just like the olden days!
(Dangeresque pops out of nowhere.)
ALRIGHT, PUT YOUR SO-CALLED HANDS IN THE AIR!!
{raises his hands} What are you doing? You can't arrest me! I'm already in jail!
I'm not trying to arrest you, I'M TRYING TO KILL YOU FOR ALMOST KILLING MY PARTNER!!!
What are you talking about?
Don't act like you don't know, you made the bullet that was used to shoot Dangeresque Too! You left a clue and everything!!
That wasn't a clue to anything! I just wanted to give you something to show that I've turned over a new leaf.
Huh? Then... how did the bad guys get your bullet?
You see, when that No-Arms replaced me, I stole one of my own bullets and wrote a note on it before I ran out of the building! Then I devoted my life to being a good guy. While being in jail.
Prove it.
You'll just have to trust me, Dangeresque. {Pronounced danger-esque}
Did you say what I thought you said?
What? Danger-ESQUE? Yes, I said Danger-esque. What's so wrong with saying Danger-esque?!
You're saying it right! You're a good guy now! I can't believe it! Come with us. We have some bandits to fight.
Not so fast, I've been talking with Experimento, and he has something to show you first.
(Cut to Experimento's Lab.)
Hello, Dangeresque. We managed to get some of your father's DNA. It was too damaged to clone, but fortunately Methodemew and I managed to... well, I'll let him explain it.
We managed to import his knowledge into a computer, bringing him back to life!
Wait, seriously?
Yeah, check it out! {turns on the computer}
And now, the moment of truth. (Inserts a floppy disk labeled "dad.exe" into the computer, causing Dadgeresque's head to appear on-screen Max Headroom style.)
Condolences, Sonny.
Dad!
I'm not too pappy, Julietta. My moniker is to being Seron Card—
It's great to see you again, dad!
It's okay to finally find a burrito. Could you spare a five?
Umm... What the crap is he saying?
I stole CBS. (farts) Oooohhhh I just made a giant masterpiece for all the worlds greatest newspaper nerds!
You watch your mouth about news-pappers! Just cause I read them crapping doesn't mean you can disgrace them crapping!
Anyway, dad, we need your help. We're trying to catch some bandits who cloned us. You got any tips?
Welp, Joyceberg, the collect thing to do in the situnario is to prance like the chickens.
Chickens! Of course!
{Cut to a chicken farm, where we see The Cheat dressed up as a farmer.}
Ah-ha! Craig! I knew you survived!
{The Cheat noises}
Oh. You're Istanbul?
{The Cheat noises}
Ohhh, you're a new character. What's your name, new guy?
{The Cheat noises}
Nice to meet ya, Farmer Donglo!
My dad, a famous dead detective, told me to meet you. Do you have any tips to help us catch the bandits?
{The Cheat noises}
Of cooourse!
(Cut to Dangeresque and co. milking cows.)
When I wanted to help you guys, this is not what I had in mind.
I have an injury. I prolly shouldn't even be doing this.
Why do we have to do this again, Donglo?
{The Cheat noises}
The No-Armed Bandit is allergic to dairy, you say?
{Confirming meh}
Anything else we should know?
(Cut to them squishing grapes with their feet)
How exactly will making jelly help us with Izu?
{The Cheat noises}
Ohhh. Grapes make him nauseous and break out in hives. Makes sense.
{The No-Armed Bandit, Izu, the Armed Bandits, and the Dangeresque clones pop out of nowhere}
Freeze, gelatin-makers!
But we're making-
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU'RE MAKING!!
Quick! The milk!
{Everyone grabs a bucket of milk and tosses it on The No-Armed Bandit}
And the jam!
{Everyone pours their buckets of jam on Izu Zabooka}
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! That's just gross! This milk will take forever to wash out.
IZU ZABOOKA: You think that's bad... I've got jelly stains everywhere!
What's happening? I thought you guys were allergic!
What are you talking about? I'm allergic to technocheese.
Izu: And I'm allergic to Swawarian death wasps.
(Pause.)
Wait, why did we just say that?!
Ha! Now we know your allergies!
But Donglo, I thought you said—
{The Cheat noises}
Wait... you knew their allergies all along?! Then why didn't you tell us the right ones?
{cackling The Cheat noises}
You're working for them? And you were just distracting us so the bandits could plan a surprise attack?!
The Cheat—I mean, Donglo! How could you?!
You don't know the half of it, Dangeresques. You don't know who he really is...
{Donglo starts talking in a poorly-dubbed Powered by The Cheat voice}
It was me, Craig allalong!
But you were thrown out into space, I saw it!
You see, I made it back to Earth, do you see?
But how? This makes no sense!
I just landed here.
Oh. That makes sense.
I've been waiting for this moment for years, me on the big screen!
But you've already been in a-
Shut up.
I just hope that Strong Bad didn't abuse the budget I gave him.
All: He has a budget?!?!
(Strong Bad walks in.)
Greetings, people who aren't me, are you ready for the film experience of your life?
I think not. We've recently gotten some feedback that the action movie genre is a cheap cliche turned into a walking punchline wrapped inside a laughingstock. We will only greenlight the product if you make it a lol random cartoon entitled Dangeresque Jump.
Excuse me for a moment.
(Honstlar kicks TCG out of the basement.)
Proceed, continue.
Ladies and gentlemen, feast your beady, Flashimated eyes on... DANGERESQUE 4!
(The Cheat walks over and puts in a laserdisc as music starts playing.)
Greetings, 20 dollar havers. In order to set ourselves apart from the rest of filmmakers, we have taken it upon ourselves to properly credit everyone involved. We begin with our caterers, Bubs' MSG and Gluten Place...
Wait a minute, how does this set you apart from other filmmakers? Doesn't every film have credits?
Yes, but no other film has motivational credits! Shout outs to my editor, The Cheat!
(The Cheat noises)
And to my director... me! And my screenwriter... me! And my lead actor... me! And my distributor... Bubs! And my financier... purple Homsar! And my executive producer... me! And my inspiration... me! And my cool-guy-all-the-time... me!
Hooray for me! {claps} What a wonderful man.
Now that we've got that mess outta the way, lemme introduce you to my next #1 blockbuster of the millennium, Dangeresque 4! Divided by 2. Equals 6. Ha-bring it on!
(We open on a shot of the Brainblow National Bank as Dange-Car-Esque arrives.)
I just parked that!
Yes, you did.
(Off-screen) THIS IS A STICKUP!! HAND OVER THE DIAMOND!!
(Cut to the interior where we see the No-Armed Bandit holding an NES Zapper painted dark blue.)
Banker: But, we don't have the-
DO NOT LIE TO THE NO-ARMED BANDIT!! WHERE IS IT!?!?
Banker: Okay, okay, it's in the safe!
Oh, you think you're so smart, do ya. WELL, DO YA!?!?!
Banker: But it is in the safe!!
Highly doubtful.
Banker: I shouldn't be telling you this...
What are ya gonna do, call the police?
(Dangeresque and Renaldo enter.)
Try the crooked police!!
Dangeresque?!?!
Hand over the diamond, No-Arms... or you're going to have to take a nunchuck gun to the face.
So be it, Dangeresque. When I leave here with this priceless artifact... my reward will be well worth it
Don't be so sure about that. {takes out his nunchuck gun}
{Dangeresque Too comes in}
The pipes are being replaced!!
No-Armed Bandit: Well, if it isn't the other Dangeresque...
Dangeresque Too: That's Dangeresque Too? to you!
No-Armed Bandit: Whatever, mayo-face.
Renaldo: I'm here too.
No-Armed Bandit: 3 against 1, can't say I like the odds, but I'll give it a try anyway.
(Dangeresque fires a bullet at the bandit, which he dodges by ducking.)
So, 'geresque, you like diamonds, huh? Well, how 'bout a diamond TO THE FACE?
{The No-Armed Bandit leaps at Dangeresque, with the diamond pointing towards him, but Dangeresque swings his nunchuck and hits The No-Armed Bandit in the face.}
Ow, my smellspot!! Now you've done it!
(The No-Armed Bandit pulls out his Zapper and is prepared to fire.)
{He fires. The ray is reflected off of Dangeresque's cool, cool glasses, and hits the No-Armed Bandit, who falls down charred and unconscious.}
Seven-syllable catch phrase! {sting}
(Cut to the No-Armed Bandit getting thrown into the trunk, then thrown into Brainblow Prison.)
No-Armed Bandit: Ow, my charred porgadon!
(Cut to the inside of Dange-Car-Esque.)
Renaldo: Well, Dangeresque, we've taken care of the No-Armed Bandit.
Dangeresque: Or did we?
Dangeresque Too: I don't know... Can we stop for tacos?
(Cut to the opening credits, which are similar to the ones from Dangeresque 3. (The game, not the film itself))
STRONG BAD STUDIOS PRESENTS
IN ASSOCIATION WITH HONSTLAR SEMI-SHADY FILM FINANCING
A STRONG BAD FILM
{The logo from sbemail206 appears}
DANGERESQUE 4
÷ 2
= 6
STARRING
STRONG BAD
HOMESTAR RUNNER
COACH Z
HONSTLAR WADDLER
GFDGSGXGZGDRC GARBLES
MARZIPAN
POM POM
BUBS C. STAND
THE KING OF TOWN
STRONG MAD
HOMESCHOOL WINNER
HOMSAR
AND
SENOR CARDGAGE
AS DAD.EXE
WRITTEN BY
STRONG BAD
EDITED BY
THE CHEAT
EXPLOSION CONSULTANT
GFDGSGXGZGDRC
DIRECTED BY
STRONG BAD
{Cut to a dark, smoky city with graffiti and broken windows}
DANGERESQUE: {voiceover} Brainblow City. Also known as CrimeFest '91. The crime rates are through the roof. Kidnappings and bank robbings left and right.
{Cut to a familiar pair of sunglasses on a table}
DANGERESQUE: {voiceover} But it's okay, because it can all be stopped by a pair of cool, cool glasses.
{The sunglasses are picked up by a boxing glove. Cut to a silhouetted figure jumping on buildings.}
DANGERESQUE: {voiceover} That's where I come in. In a town dominated by bad guys, one man can stop it all. And that man is...
{Zoom in to Dangeresque, unsilhouetted}
DANGERESQUE: Dangeresque!
Dangeresque: But despite what I just said, I'm never alone.
(Cut to Renaldo playing with a paddle-ball.)
Dangeresque: I've got Renaldo, a semi-retired turban guy who I recently saved from the now sunken Sidekick Islands...
(Pan to Dangeresque Too? filing the recent case.)
Dangeresque: A spin-kicking rookie with the same name as me, who we affectionately call Dangeresque Too?..
(Pan to Cutesy Buttons drinking some iced tea near the window.)
Dangeresque: And my girlfriend or whatever, the lovely Cutesy Buttons.
{Cut to Dangergsgxgzgdrc Johnson in Perducci's headquarters}
DANGERESQUE: {voiceover} There's also Dangergsgz— Dange— uh, Dangegarble Johnson. He's our local double agent. He pretends to be one of Perducci's minions, spying on him and giving us information. Or... maybe he's spying on us and giving Perducci information. We're not really sure. We need to be extra careful what we say around that guy.
(Cut to Experimento working on some computer thing.)
Dangeresque: As well as Professor Experimento, scientifical genius, and mad inventor...
(Cut to The Chief, who resembles a grizzled, balding Billy Mays.)
Dangeresque: And The Chief... I've got nothing to say, he's just The Chief.
(Fade to various shots of things that Dangeresque has collected during his previous adventures, including Uzi Bazooka's metallic carcass, the tapes, a sample of the serum, an empty Ressy Cup milkshake, and the robotic Santam'n.)
Dangeresque: Throughout my career of being a Private Eye/Crooked Cop/Secret Agent/Enron Stockholder, I have amassed many quote-on-quote, trophies. But nothing will ever fill the father shaped hole in my heart.
(Cut to a black and white flashback of Dadgeresque's death scene from Dangeresque 3.)
Uzi Bazooka: Give me the formula and I'll give you this computer disk of highly important rocket launch codes!
Renaldo: Hey! Professor Experimento's launch codes! We need those!
Dangeresque: No dice, traitor Joe!
Uzi Bazooka: Oh yeah, well what if I ...shoot your dad?
(Uzi pulls out a blue gun and fires it at Dadgeresque.)
Dangeresque: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
{voiceover} It was a fate... that never should have befallen upon a being of this Earth.
(Fade back to Dangeresque checking his e-mail.)
Dangeresque: It's been 10 years since I kicked that tiny cheetah looking thing into the vacuum of space, destroyed a robot with a really cool name, and accidentally left Renaldo to die on that exploding space station near the sun...
(Brief silence.)
Dangeresque: He got better!
{voiceover} With the No-Armed Bandit caught and in jail, I can finally concentrate on my Dangeresquemail-checkins.
{typing in "dangeresquemail.exe"; no longer voiceover} Looks like I'm gonna have to check! My email.
(Reading) Dear Dangeresque, what would you do if you were trapped in a room surrounded by WWII German soldiers armed only with a wooden plank and a mongoose?
Signed,
Genghis Kong,
Berwyn, Illinois.
Well, Genghis, first off, I would take the wooden plank and smash it over the soldiers' heads, and get the mongoose to eat the remains, so I won't get arrested. I'd then dig myself out of the room with my face. Because that's totally a thing I can do.
Then I'd use Dange-Car-Esque's voice commands to get me the heck outta Auschwitz! So, yeah, I'd survive WWII (pronounced dubya-wee) easily.
Signed,
Dangeresque.
(Dangeresque closes the laptop.)
Did the Professor send us any updates on Project: Xerox?
Not yet.
Can someone remind me what Project: Zorro is?
This is confidential information, Renaldo. I can't tell you here, you never know who might be listening.
Marzi— Cutesy Buttons knows what you're talkin' abrat. And she's not even your pratner!
Good point. Despite my cat-like reflexes, inhuman strength, and muscular tolerance to all variety of bullets, it is almost certain that I will die someday. So Cutesy and I decided to clone me! Dangeresque 2 can serve as a business partner— sorry, Renaldo —and take up the crime-fighting, law-fighting torch when I'm old and decrepit! Two Dangeresques is better than one, after all.
But what about me, aren't I your Dangeresque 2?
No, you're my Dangeresque Too?.
I don't understand that.
I'll explain later.
(Stomach rumbling is heard.)
Excuse me, I need to go pee-pee.
(Johnson walks out of the room.)
So anyway, Experimento is working on a cloning machine that will make what I just said possible.
Ooh, science.
(Cut to Johnson walking out of the bathroom.)
That was refreshing. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, the info!
(Johnson pulls out a high-tech communicator)
Johnson to Izzy, come in Izzy.
(Cut to Izu Zabooka (a.k.a. Dangeresque Homeschool) talking to Johnson on a large video screen.)
Izu Zabooka: Loud and clear, Johnson.
Just found out that Dangeresque is planning to clone himself and make his clone a crooked cop associate. I'll see if I can find out more. Maybe you can hijack the operation.
Izu: I'll do it, just as soon as I get my associate out of the pokey.
Excellent.
Izu: I also have a special mission for you.
Tell me more...
(Cut to Dangeresque in The Chief's office.)
THE CHIEF: CLONING YOURSELF? IS THIS EVEN SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE, DANGERESQUE?!
Me and the smart lady have done research on the subject. The science is sound.
The Chief: WELL, YOU ARE WORKING WITH EXPERIMENTO, SO I'LL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT! ANYWAYS, WE'VE RECEIVED INTEL THAT PERDUCCI HAS HIJACKED A MONORAIL AND IS THREATING TO BLOW UP ALL THE PASSENGERS! YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!!
I'm on it, Chief. Time to save that fast train from the living nightmare that is PERDUCCI!!!!
Ooh! Ooh! Can I be's theres?
Sigh... come along, Too.
{Cut to a monorail}
(We see Killingyouguy holding a gun and Perducci holding a remote with a big, red button)
Killingyouguy: NOBODY MOVE!!!
Perducci: I shall say this one more time... If they don't give me my ransom money, ALL OF YOU DIE!!!
(Dangeresque and Dangeresque Too? enter through a window.)
Dangeresque: Not on my watch!
Perducci: Dangeresque!
{Dangeresque leaps up with his nunchuck gun and smacks Perducci in the face with it. Perducci retaliates by kicking Dangeresque in the legs, knocking him down. Dangeresque Too grabs the nunchuck gun from Dangeresque's hand and points it at Perducci, but Killingyouguy takes it. Dangeresque stands back up and leaps off Dangeresque Too's head, hitting Killingyouguy in the face with his shoes, sending him stumbling backwards.}
I still don't get how you managed to kick me down, Perducci. Do you even have legs?
Perducci: That's not important, what is important is that I'm going to kill everyone on this train!
Wouldn't that kill you too?
No, it's... I... j— the thing is... that, well— you... GOODBYE DANGERESQUE! {leaps off the train into a helicopter}
{Cut to a close-up of the remote as he pushes down the button}
Perducci: Huh?
(Peducci presses the button repeatedly.)
Perducci: I thought I told you to hook up the explosives!
Killingyouguy: I DID!
Perducci: But the train isn't-
(Brief silence.)
Perducci: Oh, cr-
(The helicopter explodes)
JUSTICE!! By Dangeresque! {musical sting}
Not really, Perducci did that himse—
{covering Dangeresque Too's face} Cool, cool glasses! {musical sting}
(Cut to the outside of Brainblow Prison, where we see Izu planting C4 near the wall)
Izu: Don't worry boss, you'll be out of here in no time!
(The wall explodes.)
I'm free! Free to wreak havoc amongst the world!! Along with my sidekick...
{Cut to a dramatic zoom-in shot of Onion Bubs, with sunglasses drawn on him}
Diamonocle: Dr. Layers!
(The No-Armed Bandit runs past Diamonocle.)
No-Armed Bandit: Out of my way, Dumbo!
Diamonocle: Dumbo?
(Cut to the inside of Izu's lair.)
Izu: Glad to have you back, boss!
Thanks, foreign-soundin'-name! Now, what kinda evil schemes are we cookin' up today?
Izu: That's the thing, I was just humoring you.
Diamonocle: What do you mean by that?
Izu: Simple, YOU'RE FIRED!
Diamonocle: WHAT?!
Izu: You betrayed us a decade ago, did you really think we would forget?
Diamonocle: Yes?
Izu: We've replaced you with someone better.
No-Armed Bandit: I'm that person!
Diamonocle: But he's just a thief, he can't be a supervillain!
No-Armed Bandit: I beg to differ... KILL THE INTRUDER!!!
Oh man! You really are a supervillain! This does not look good for the Baron Darin Diamonocle!
{Izu Zabooka chases Baron as he runs off}
And we'll keep your little sidekick... for ourselves.
{The No-Armed Bandit picks up Dr. Layers and places him on the side of his supervillain chair}
At last we will have revenge on that crooked cop and his crooked cop friends.
{Cut to Professor Experimento's lab, where there's a big machine}
Is Project Xerox ready yet, Professor? I wanna get in on that twice-style action!
Experimento: Almost done, I still have to configure the mental programmer.*
Dangeresque: But everything else is finished?
Experimento: Precisely, Dan.
Dangeresque: (whispering) What did I say about saying my real name?!
Experimento: Sorry, at this age you forget a lot of things, like whether or not that chick over there a 6 or an 8.
Dangeresque: Can we focus on the machine?
Experimento: Oh yeah, the DNA fabricator has been calibrated, the CPU is up and running, and the regulator ray is fully functional.
Then let's get this duplication party started!
(Don't you want Dangeresque Too to join you?)
Naw, man. That guy's not cool enough to be cloned. He might as well—
{strolling in} So, I hear you're getting cloned, huh? That mess sounds awesome! I'ma do that.
Dangeresque: NO, YOU WILL NOT!!
Dangeresque Too?: Why won't you let me do anything anymore?!
Dangeresque: You're too inexperienced to even finish a spin kick without breaking your tailbone!
Hey, I only broke my tailbone once! Except for that other time. And the other four. But still!
Trust me, Too, the world needs more Dangeresques. It does not need more Dangeresque Toos.
(Dangeresque Too cries a little.)
Dangeresque: Now, get back to the car before you cause any damage to the machine.
(Dangeresque Too walks away.)
Experimento: That was kinda harsh.
Dangeresque: Of course it was, harshness builds character.
(The lab window breaks and a bunch of burglars rush in.)
BURGLAR #1: FREEZE, Dangeresque! {pronounced Dan-GEHR-esqueh}
It's Dangeresque. Who this is?
BURGLAR #2: We're the Armed Bandits! Because we're armed. With weapons and whatnot.
BURGLAR #3: We work for the best supervillain in town. The No-Armed Bandit!
The No-Armed Bandit isn't a supervillain. He's just an everyday criminal. He doesn't have an army or a secret underground headquarters or...
BURGLAR #5: Oh-ho, you'd be surprised. Have you not heard? Baron Darin Diamonocle has been... replaced. Now the No-Armed Bandit works alongside Izu Zabooka and Baron's associate Dr. Layers!
OFFSCREEN CROWD: DR. LAYERS! DR. LAYERRRS!!
The No-Armed Bandit? A supervillain? No... this can't be.
{Dangeresque falls to his knees. Cut to an above shot.}
{shaking his fist at the sky} PERDUCC— Oops. I'm just more used to saying that. THE NO-ARMED BANDIT!!
{Cut to Dangeresque Too walking along the street in the rain}
{sniff} Dangeresque. Who needs a Dangeresque? I can make it fine on my own. I'll start a business. I'll start a bakery! I'll make millions!
(We see a helicopter in the distance, with the cloning chamber in tow.)
Dangeresque Too: I'll make millions of millions!!
Izu: (Offscreen) Ditched by your friend, I see.
Dangersque Too: Who said that?
(Pan to Izu wearing a trench coat and flipping a coin.)
Izu: I did. Friends call me Izzy, I'm just a guy who pops up in the right places at the right times.
Dangeresque Too: Hi, Eddie Izzard!
Izu: I know someone who could help you find a new job.
Ooh, a job, huh? I used to have something like that. Count me in!
IZU: Excellent. Tell me, Dangeresque Too, what do you call yourself?
Oh, I'm Dangeresque Too, former crooked cop.
IZU: Ah. So your partner wasn't treating you well, huh?
Yeah. And I only got paid in ice cream sandwiches. Which isn't half bad honestly.
IZU: Let me take you to my pal, No-Arms. He'll treat you like a partner, and pay you in cold hard cash.
Ooh, No-Arms! That sounds like me!
{Wipe cut to the No-Armed Bandit's headquarters}
No-Armed Bandit: Trust me, Mr. Too, I'll be a way better boss than that other guy.
(Cut to Dangeresque Too and the No-Armed Bandit walking down a hallway.)
Dangeresque Too: Ooh, nicknames on the first day.
No-Armed Bandit: And there's way more where that came from, my good man.
Oh really? Like what?
Hmm. You're not working with Dangeresque anymore, so... you should change your name. How about... Dr. Esque II, burglar/criminal?
Wait, I'm gonna be a criminal?
What? No, I said, um, NOT burglar/criminal. You know, since we're gonna be stopping burglars and criminals. Like that Dangeresque fella.
Dangeresque Too: Makes sense to me!
(The cloning chamber descends from the ceiling.)
Dangeresque Too: Hey, what's that magic machine?
No-Armed Bandit: Oh, that's just the new executive toilet I ordered from SkyMall.
Dangeresque Too: Ooh, executive.
No-Armed Bandit: We need to get the plumbing ready before anyone can use it, so it's your job to make sure nobody tries to steal it and/or use it.
Dangeresque Too: You can count on me!
No-Armed Bandit: Good.
(The No-Armed Bandit walks away.)
No-Armed Bandit: (Thinking) "Executive toilet", that's the best cover up for a cloning machine I've heard all week!
{Silence. Crickets are heard.}
{mumbling} Guarding the toilet. That's right. Ol' Dangeresque Too, toilet protector-er. That could be on my resume {pronounced "re-zoom"}. I'll make millions of millions! This is who I was always meant to be! Take that, Dangeresque. I've found my calling!
{Cut back to The No-Armed Bandit in his chair and speaks into a speaker}
This is Bandit to Izu. I've got Too. Repeat, I've got Too.
{Zoom out to reveal Izu sitting across from The No-Armed Bandit}
IZU ZABOOKA: Yeah, I can hear you. What do we do now?
No-Armed Bandit: Simple. We'll use him to get a sample of Dangeresque's DNA to use for our master plan.
Izu Zabooka: To take over the world?
No-Armed Bandit: Of course.
IZU ZABOOKA: Sounds good to me. So how do we get his DNA evidence?
No-Armed Bandit: Isn't it obvious? Dangeresque doesn't know that Too left to work for someone else. For all he knows, he's still in his car. So we'll get him to convince Dangeresque that I'll give back the cloning machine in exchange for a vial of his-
Izu: Saliva?
No-Armed Bandit: No, that's gross.
Izu: Then what is it?
DNA evidence, of course! Like in a little green test tube.
IZU ZABOOKA: How are you going to manage that?
It'll be easy! Isn't that what DNA looks like?
IZU ZABOOKA: Um... I'll just let you do your thing.
A'ight. Hey, Dr. Esque II!
Yes, supreme overlord?
Quit calling me that. I want you to do a favor for me...
I'm listenin', I'm listenin'.
{Cut to the Professor Experimento's lab}
Hey, Experimento. You seen the time machine? I mean cloning device?
It was stolen!
Nah, it couldn't'a been stolen. I suspect—
{Dangeresque Too walks in}
Oh, hey, Dangeresque Too. What took you so long? Do you know where the transmogrifier is? I mean whatever.
Dangeresque Too: That thing? Isn't it obvious?
Dangeresque: Is what obvious?
Dangeresque Too: Uhhh... HEY LOOK, FRED FLINTSTONE!!
(Dangeresque and Experimento look to their right.)
Dangeresque: WHERE?!?!
(Dangeresque Too quickly puts in a videotape and turns on the TV.)
TV Guy: You're watching live TV, this is definitely not pre-recorded.
TV Guy: A cloning machine has been stolen from Professor What's-his-name's lab by Dangeresque Too. Dangeresque Too claims he will give it back in exchange for Dangeresque's Dan. Er, I mean... DNA.
You stole my cloning machine?!
{in a fake voice} What?! Of... of course not! I would never do that!!
TV Guy: Here is a picture of the thief.
(Cut to a picture of Dangeresque -1 (Homsar) with a number 2 taped to his shirt.)
Dangeresque: Oh, you were framed again.
Dangeresque Too: Yep, that's correct!
So, uh... how 'bout that DNA?
Why should I give you my DNA? You're not the thief, Dangeresque -1 is!
Oh right. Man. This plan wasn't thought out so well.
Wait, what plan?
Dangeresque Too: The plan to get back that machine!
Dangeresque: Oh, that!
(Dangeresque pulls out a vial of DNA from his pocket.)
Dangeresque: Go get 'em!
You betcha! {runs away}
{Zoom out through a screen. The No-Armed Bandit is watching the scene on his supervillain monitor. Dangeresque Too arrives from the right. The No-Armed Bandit spins his menacing supervillain couch-chair towards him.}
Ah. Dr. Esque II. You have my DNA, I trust?
No, but I have Dangeresque's.
Yeah, that's what I meant. It belongs to me now.
Dangeresque Too: Oh, right.
(Dangeresque Too hands the No-Armed Bandit the DNA.)
No-Armed Bandit: Thanks man, now we can BEGIN THE CLONING PROCESS!
Dangeresque Too: Good, I've always wanted to-WHAT?!?!
(Izu pours the DNA into the cloning machine.)
Izu: Time to program him for evil!
Dangeresque Too: What's going on?!?
Don't you see, Dr. Esque II?
It's Dangeresque Too now.
Don't you see, Dangeresque Too? We were the bad guys all along. We only needed you to get us Dangeresque's DNA so we could make an evil Dangeresque! After all, the only person who can defeat Dangeresque... is himself!
{falls to his knees and looks up to the sky dramatically} NOOOOO!!
No-Armed Bandit: (Bends at the knees and looks down) YESSSSS!!
{The cloning machine opens, as steam pours out and a familiar silhouette steps forward}
Dangeresque. Nice to meetcha.
No-Armed Bandit: Dangeresque 2!
Dangeresque 2 and Dangeresque Too: Yeah?
No-Armed Bandit: Extract the DNA of the intruder!
Dangeresque 2: As you wish, boss.
NOOO! Stop, you thief! You'll never get my DNA!
{Dangeresque 2 reaches under Dangeresque Too's hat and gets a tube of DNA evidence}
Hey, how did you know I kept my DNA there?
I'm Dangeresque, remember? I know all about you.
You're not Dangeresque! You're a fiendish impostor!
Eh, same thing. {pours the DNA into the machine}
{The cloning machine opens, as steam pours out and Dangeresque Too 2 steps forward}
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: I'm Dangeresque Too 2.
DANGERESQUE 2: What, are you my partner or something?
Yes, you two are partners.
DANGERESQUE 2: Oh, okay. Can I have a weapon now? I can't defeat Dangeresque without a weapon.
Oh right. Dangeresque has a nunchuck gun, right? I forget what it looks like, exactly...
IZU ZABOOKA: Just tape together a nunchuck and a gun. I have some right here. {hands them to The No-Armed Bandit}
Okay. {looks at them for a second and thinks} Uh... {tapes them together the wrong way} There we go. {gives the gun nunchuck to Dangeresque 2}
DANGERESQUE 2: Cool, thanks.
Now, Dangeresque Too 2...
Yeah?
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Yeah?
{They look at each other angrily for a moment}
Dangeresque Too 2, go to Dangeresque's office and convince him that you're Dangeresque Too, then kill him.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: I'm on it, boss! {runs away}
No! You won't get away with this! {runs after Dangeresque Too 2}
Yeah, you didn't think I'd let you escape so easily, did you? {zaps Dangeresque Too with his NES Zapper, knocking him unconscious}
IZU ZABOOKA: Now we wait for Dangeresque Too 2 to work his magic.
{Cut to the Smoky Office}
Doot doo doot dooo... ah, the life of a crooked cop. So cool, and yet so boring.
{Dangeresque Too 2 arrives}
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Hey, Dangeresque! It's me! Your partner! Dangeresque Too!
Oh hey, D-Too. Didja get the cloning machine back?
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Oh. About that. It... um... it broke.
Aw man! Seriously?! I worked for months on that thing! Or more accurately, paid some professor to do it! With money!
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Yeah, sorry, man. Hey, listen! I've got something to show you. Um... follow me.
Sure! As long as it doesn't involve trying to kill me.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: {nervously} Uh... uh... why would you think that?! That's ridiculous!!
Oh, come on, Dangeresque Too. It was a joke!
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Oh. Oh right. {fake laugh}
{They walk out of the room}
Renaldo: What a normal conversation.
(Cut to the two standing in front of a giant rock with some string wrapped around it.)
Dangeresque: So, why did you want to take me here again?
Dangeresque Too 2: Isn't it obvious? Everybody wants a rock! Especially one that's the size of a mansion.
Oh, of course. Everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around!
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: ...Except, I already wound a piece of string around this one. Sorry.
It's fine. I've got other rocks.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Anyway, I wanted to show you this because there's something special underneath. See, look! {lifts up part of the rock}
I can't see anything under there.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Oh, that's just because it's too small. You need to go under the rock to see it.
{crawls under the rock} Like this?
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Yeah, perfect! {to himself} Man, this is too easy.
Who are you talking to?
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Um... Jerry! Yeah, just my good friend Jerry. What a pal.
Who's Jerry?
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: No one, Dangeresque! I was talking to myself about how I'm going to kill you!
What?!
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Goodbye, Dangeresque!
{Dangeresque Too 2 drops the rock, crushing Dangeresque into tiny bite-sized pieces}
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: {gets out a walkie-talkie} This is D-Double-2 to No-Arms. I did it. Dangeresque is no more.
Excellent, D-Double-2. Now come to my headquarters for your reward.
{Cut to The No-Armed Bandit's lair. Dangeresque Too 2 and The No-Armed Bandit are talking.}
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: So, where's that reward?
Oh. Yeah. About that. I lied.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: What?! I demand a reward, boss! I just killed Dangeresque!!
Fine, fine! Uh... I'll give you... a new star, how about that?
{The No-Armed Bandit gets a white star, draws a face and mustache on it, and puts it on Dangeresque Too 2's shirt.}
There. Good as new.
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: I like it! Thanks, No-Arms!
Anytime.
{Dangeresque hops out from behind the cloning machine}
FREEZE!
Oh, hey Dangeresque 2. Did you hear? We just killed Dangeresque!
DANGERESQUE TOO 2: Why are you pointing that gun at us?
I am Dangeresque!!
Dangeresque Too 2: What?! I thought I killed you!
I got my main man Experimento to make a realistic robot version of me, just in case I ever get into a dangerous situasche. So you just broke my million-dollars robot. I'm gonna need to rebuild that thing, you know. Pay up!
Sorry, Dangeresque. I'm not paying you anything!
{Dangeresque Too starts to wake up}
Oogh... ugh... what's going on?
Whoa! Dangeresque Too! Where'd you come from?
I zapped him unconscious seven posts ago!
Well, Too... do you wanna fight these impostor clones and their hideous boss?
Hideous?
You bet, Dangeresque!
Izu: Oh no, you don't!
(Armed Bandits rush in.)
Izu: We're not gonna let you end this movie- I mean stop our plan so soon!
No-Armed Bandit: Minimum Wage Minions, ATTACK!
Nunchuck gun! {nunchucks three bandits}
THE PIPES WILL NEVER BE PREPARED! {does a spin-kick, knocking back every bandit}
Ptoo! Ptoo! {shoots a few bandits}
ARMED BANDIT #14: Hyah! {kicks the nunchuck gun out of his hand}
{The nunchuck gun lands in Armed Bandit #29's hands. He aims it at Dangeresque and shoots, but Dangeresque dodges.}
Dangeresque: Ha, ya missed me!
Armed Bandit #14: I wasn't aiming for you...
{weakly} Mr. Esque... I don't feel so good...
Nooo! You shot my partner! How dare you?!
Bandits, away!!
{The No-Armed Bandit, Izu, and the Armed Bandits leave}
Keep it together, Too! I don't want you to go all Peter Parker on me, DON"T GO PETER PARKER ON ME!!!!!
I... {inhale} I can't make it. You... you defeat the bad guys for me. And tell... {wince} tell Renaldo... he... still... owes me... five... bucks... {closes his eyes}
D— Dangeresque Too. Dangeresque Too! Come on! You can't do this now! {silence} Noooooo!
{coughs}
You're still alive? Dangeresque Too! Speak to me!
{Silence}
Unconscious. Aw, man. He doesn't have much longer to live... I gotta get this guy to Experimento, and fast!
(A Batman '66 type transition happens as we cut to Experimento in his lab doing some readings on Dangeresque Too.)
He's not looking too good. We need to get that bullet out in less than three minutes.
Yikes. Is that even possible?
No, it's not... for me, at least. Luckily, my associate, Scientist Methodemew, can help.
{walks in} Hey, everyone. I'm Scientist Methodemew. Heard you need help.
Can you get this bullet outta' Too?
Sure! Just gotta magnet it out.
(He pulls out a giant horseshoe magnet, which the bullet goes to.)
OW!! Hey, stop! Oh, I'm alive again. That's pretty great.
Hey, there's something written on the bullet.
Let me guess, it has his name on it.
No, it actually has some numbers on it.
It looks like binary. All I need to do is type it into my computer here and decode it.
I'm way ahead of you! {types into the computer} It's decoded! The message is...
Be sure to drink your Ovaltine?
It was just a cruddy commercial.
Crap.
Um.. did you put it in backwards?
Whoops, sorry. I pressed the wrong button. I pressed "Commercial" instead of "Decode". {presses button} There we go.
What does it say?
"Remember the monacle."
Oh no! It's worse than I thought!
What?
Those villains misspelled "monocle"! Those diabolical fiends!
Wait a minute... diabolical... monocle... ah-ha! I know what this means! But you're not gonna like it.
{Cut to Brainblow City Prison}
Ah, so nostalgic. Just like the olden days!
(Dangeresque pops out of nowhere.)
ALRIGHT, PUT YOUR SO-CALLED HANDS IN THE AIR!!
{raises his hands} What are you doing? You can't arrest me! I'm already in jail!
I'm not trying to arrest you, I'M TRYING TO KILL YOU FOR ALMOST KILLING MY PARTNER!!!
What are you talking about?
Don't act like you don't know, you made the bullet that was used to shoot Dangeresque Too! You left a clue and everything!!
That wasn't a clue to anything! I just wanted to give you something to show that I've turned over a new leaf.
Huh? Then... how did the bad guys get your bullet?
You see, when that No-Arms replaced me, I stole one of my own bullets and wrote a note on it before I ran out of the building! Then I devoted my life to being a good guy. While being in jail.
Prove it.
You'll just have to trust me, Dangeresque. {Pronounced danger-esque}
Did you say what I thought you said?
What? Danger-ESQUE? Yes, I said Danger-esque. What's so wrong with saying Danger-esque?!
You're saying it right! You're a good guy now! I can't believe it! Come with us. We have some bandits to fight.
Not so fast, I've been talking with Experimento, and he has something to show you first.
(Cut to Experimento's Lab.)
Hello, Dangeresque. We managed to get some of your father's DNA. It was too damaged to clone, but fortunately Methodemew and I managed to... well, I'll let him explain it.
We managed to import his knowledge into a computer, bringing him back to life!
Wait, seriously?
Yeah, check it out! {turns on the computer}
And now, the moment of truth. (Inserts a floppy disk labeled "dad.exe" into the computer, causing Dadgeresque's head to appear on-screen Max Headroom style.)
Condolences, Sonny.
Dad!
I'm not too pappy, Julietta. My moniker is to being Seron Card—
It's great to see you again, dad!
It's okay to finally find a burrito. Could you spare a five?
Umm... What the crap is he saying?
I stole CBS. (farts) Oooohhhh I just made a giant masterpiece for all the worlds greatest newspaper nerds!
You watch your mouth about news-pappers! Just cause I read them crapping doesn't mean you can disgrace them crapping!
Anyway, dad, we need your help. We're trying to catch some bandits who cloned us. You got any tips?
Welp, Joyceberg, the collect thing to do in the situnario is to prance like the chickens.
Chickens! Of course!
{Cut to a chicken farm, where we see The Cheat dressed up as a farmer.}
Ah-ha! Craig! I knew you survived!
{The Cheat noises}
Oh. You're Istanbul?
{The Cheat noises}
Ohhh, you're a new character. What's your name, new guy?
{The Cheat noises}
Nice to meet ya, Farmer Donglo!
My dad, a famous dead detective, told me to meet you. Do you have any tips to help us catch the bandits?
{The Cheat noises}
Of cooourse!
(Cut to Dangeresque and co. milking cows.)
When I wanted to help you guys, this is not what I had in mind.
I have an injury. I prolly shouldn't even be doing this.
Why do we have to do this again, Donglo?
{The Cheat noises}
The No-Armed Bandit is allergic to dairy, you say?
{Confirming meh}
Anything else we should know?
(Cut to them squishing grapes with their feet)
How exactly will making jelly help us with Izu?
{The Cheat noises}
Ohhh. Grapes make him nauseous and break out in hives. Makes sense.
{The No-Armed Bandit, Izu, the Armed Bandits, and the Dangeresque clones pop out of nowhere}
Freeze, gelatin-makers!
But we're making-
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU'RE MAKING!!
Quick! The milk!
{Everyone grabs a bucket of milk and tosses it on The No-Armed Bandit}
And the jam!
{Everyone pours their buckets of jam on Izu Zabooka}
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! That's just gross! This milk will take forever to wash out.
IZU ZABOOKA: You think that's bad... I've got jelly stains everywhere!
What's happening? I thought you guys were allergic!
What are you talking about? I'm allergic to technocheese.
Izu: And I'm allergic to Swawarian death wasps.
(Pause.)
Wait, why did we just say that?!
Ha! Now we know your allergies!
But Donglo, I thought you said—
{The Cheat noises}
Wait... you knew their allergies all along?! Then why didn't you tell us the right ones?
{cackling The Cheat noises}
You're working for them? And you were just distracting us so the bandits could plan a surprise attack?!
The Cheat—I mean, Donglo! How could you?!
You don't know the half of it, Dangeresques. You don't know who he really is...
{Donglo starts talking in a poorly-dubbed Powered by The Cheat voice}
It was me, Craig allalong!
But you were thrown out into space, I saw it!
You see, I made it back to Earth, do you see?
But how? This makes no sense!
I just landed here.
Oh. That makes sense.