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Post by Honstlar on Jun 3, 2022 22:19:06 GMT -6
Synopsis: After Marzipan goes too far with her signature Marzipany behavior, Homestar steals SRMX12's time machine and goes back in time to the events of "In Search of the Yello Dello" to prevent her from becoming the feminist, activist, environmentalist veganist we know today.
(Note: This script takes place before the events of "Homestar Improvement")
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 9, 2022 22:26:09 GMT -6
{Open on Marzipan's answering machine.} Hi, this is Marzipan. I'm out minding my own business, unsuspectingly, awaiting nothing in particular. Please leave me a message. {Beep} {deep voice} Hello, Marzipan, this is your banking... professionalist, uh, Teller Forrealius, over here at the banking place. Crime is on the rise lately, and we've received word that you're about to become a victim of some serious identity theft. Most of the time, when we banking professionals talk about identity theft, we just mean someone making purchases in your name... but no, this is the serious kind. We're talkin' identity theft in the most literal sense. So unless you want another Marzipan walkin' around spending all your hard-earned cash, here's what you gotta do. Give all your banking information to someone reliable, someone who would never blow it all on a private jet or at least a tricked-out van, someone like fellow banking professionologist Strong Bad. In fact, since your money is in such imminent mortal danger, I'd suggest handing it all over to him for safe keeping! In conclusion, give Strong Bad all your money, and if possible any pastries you've got cookin'. The identity thieves are coming for those too! {Beep} Hi, Marzipan, this is Homestar. I want to buy a birthday gift for my anonymous girlfriend, but I can't think of what to get her. I'm not telling you who this girlfriend is, because that would ruin the surprise... and I can't describe her either, because the last time I did that, you broke up with me for three days. All I can tell you is that this anonymous girlfriend is a vegan, which means I can't get her cooked chicken, or a corndog, or a gazelle carcass, or a hat made of shredded pork, or a meat-free veggie burger with a cow's brain on the side, or anything else I was planning to buy for her. Also, if you could give me some money to buy this present with, that would be great. Just talk to Teller Forrealius if you need to make a withdrawal. {Cut to Homestar in the Field as he hangs up.} Can't think of a present for Marzipan's birthday tomorrow, huh? Wait, Marzipan has a birthday tomorrow too?! Didn't she just have one, like, two days ago? That was over seven months ago. Well, serves me right for buying this June-themed calendar. {holds up a calendar and flips through the pages, all labeled June}
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 9, 2022 23:07:32 GMT -6
Besides, everybody knows the Homestar Runner knows there's only supposed to be four Junes in a year! And one of them is technically a Jube! Well I know what I'm getting her. Wuzzat? Tell me so I can rip it off- I mean, rip it off- I mean rip it off! The same thing I've given her every year since I first moved here.. {Honstlar pulls out a microphone.} {in a death metal growl} NOOOOOOOTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! {Honstlar tosses the microphone aside and a smack is heard.} {offscreen} Douglas! I wouldn't want to break my streak, after all. I gotta break it to you, Chubby Me, that's not a very good gift. Yeah, like you've given her something better! Oh, but I have! There was this one time I gave her a chocolate sculpture of myself... {Cut to a shiny, brown Homestar sitting on Marzipan's couch. Marzipan is looking on in confusion.} {muffled} Hey Marzipan, do you really-really like my Easter Bunny costume? 'Cause I may need you to get me some ice cubes. I think this shell is starting to melt. {Homestar's mouth doesn't move while speaking. Cut back to Homestar and Honstlar.} Then there was that time I found her... {Cut to Marzipan's backyard, where Marzipan is standing next to a mop in a bucket with a face drawn on it.} {offscreen} ...long lost brother... {Crickets chirp. After a while the mop tips over. Cut back to Homestar and Honstlar.} And of course there was my greatest gift I ever gave to her, the Yello Dello! {Cut to Homestar's old mushroomy house. Everything is in the artstyle of A Jumping Jack Contest. Marzipan walks up to the door.} {singing to herself} I'm getting the Yello Dello... yeah yeah yeah... {She opens the door to see Pom Pom, Strong Sad, Homestar, Coach Z, Strong Mad, and Strong Bad. Strong Mad is wearing oven mitts. Homestar hands Marzipan a roast turkey. } Happy birthday! {simultaneously} Yeah, whatever! {Cut to a shocked Marzipan.} Oh, how awful! Homestar, how could you?! {Cut back to the previous shot. Marzipan slaps Homestar across the face, leaving a visible hand print and sending the turkey flying across the room.} {offscreen} This is the worst birthday I've ever had... {The door slams.} YELLO DELLO: {offscreen} Gee, whaddya think her problem was? {Cut back to Homestar.} That was the first time she ever broke up with me! {Pause.} {unsure} Oh wait, that's not a good thing. And I didn't actually get to give her the Yello Dello, I gave her a turkey. That I bought from Price Style, for 5 bucks.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 10, 2022 1:00:32 GMT -6
At least she rejected it eloquently. For some reason I just remember her screaming at the sight of it... You weren't even there! I know, that's why I remember it so poorly. The point is, I've given her many great and very great presents over the years. I'm sure I'll think of something also great by the time the party rolls around! In fact, now would be a great time for a timeskip to that exact moment! {Cut to Marzipan at her house with all the characters, surrounded by presents and balloons.} Say, Marzi, ya know that painter who cut off his ear to give to the woman he loved? {offers Marzipan a present wrapped in crime scene tape} I don't have ears, so I had to make do with someone else's. Um, I think I'll pass. I got you a coupon for 50% off all products at my concession stand! {The scene pauses as the screen dims.}ANNOUNCER: {subtitled} *50% off quality, not price. {The scene resumes.} How thoughtful! {gives Marzipan a box} I EMBROIDERED THESE DOILIES BY HAND! Did you get her anything, King? I bought a bouquet of flowers. That's sweet. Where are they? In a better place... {burp} You know what I got you?! {opens an empty box} NOOOOTHIIING!! {with an expression of gratitude} You got nothing... just for me? Of course! After all, there's nothing more vegan than nothing. I dunno, I hear some vegans are really into Gex. {Homestar walks in with a box.} Ahem! AHEM, I say! {The room quiets down.} I commend your efforts, but I'm afraid none of you have what it takes to truly impress Marzipan. After minutes of deliberation and defibrillation, I have prepared a gift of the highest caliber, the likes of which have never before been seen. I, Homestar Runner, bestow unto her my magnus opum. {gives Marzipan the box} For you, my dear. {opens the box} It's water. I wanted to get you something from Blubb-O's, but I know you don't like meat... so instead I thought about getting a box of chocolates, but that stuff has milk... I almost got you a salad, but it was topped with parmesan cheese... so, in the end, I decided it was best to present you with something that has nothing in it! You murderer! Don't you realize water has little microorganisms floating in it? I can't kill innocent ameobas, bacteria, and prokaryotes! Do you think I'm some kind of carnivore?!
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 10, 2022 2:42:58 GMT -6
No, I thought you were a Libertarian. {Marzipan slaps Homestar again, although this time the hand mark inexplicably has an additional finger. Marzipan angrily walks away.} You're welcome! {Cut to a wide shot of Homestar and Honstlar at the Brick Wall silhouetted.} {dejected} I just don't get it, every time I try to do something nice for Marzipan, she gets offended! {Cut to a close up of Homestar and Honstlar who are still silhouetted.} Yeah, it must suck to- Wait, hold on a sec. {Honstlar pulls out a remote and pushes a button. The scene is no longer silhouetted.} Yeah, it must suck to have to constantly get berated like that. It's almost as if having a feminist, activist, environmentalist, veganist girlfriend isn't all it's cracked up to be.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 14, 2022 21:50:31 GMT -6
Yeah, I can understand not wanting to kill animals, but water-based microorganisms? That's a bit extreme. Plus, who doesn't want to kill animals? I stomp on bugs any chance I get! That's kinda mean. Those bugs deserve it for being in the way of where I decided to stomp on them. Good point. Those bugs should know better than to be stomped on. And all that environmentalism? I, personally, enjoy how warm the weather has been since I've started burning fossil fuels. {Zoom out to reveal the brick wall is submerged in about a foot of water.} It's also made it a lot easier to build that pool in Marzipan's backyard. {Cut back to a close-up.} Didn't she used to have a gazebo back there? Yeah, well, something had to go so the pool would fit. She doesn't see what a great boyfriend I am to her! If only there was some way to go back and change her outlook...
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 15, 2022 0:24:00 GMT -6
{Homestar's eyes widen. We then zoom in on Homestar's head, then fade to a scoreboard which rolls up to its high number limit of 999,999 and then resets to zero. We hear a ding, then zoom out back to Homestar.} THAT'S IT! The reason why Marzipan is so... (Pause.) ...Marzipan is because she thought the turkey I gave her was the Yello Dello! And come to think of it, the only way she would have thought that was if somebody, probably Strong Bad, told her before hand! If I could go back in time, I could stop him from spoiling the surprise, thus resulting in Marzipan never becoming a vegan, protesting for any causes, or constantly breaking and unbreaking up with me so she can keep claiming to be independent! Wow, that sounded way too logical to be something you thought up. And if I can defeat the Pegasaurus, I can retrieve the 4th World Gem and save the planet Ferror! That on the other hand, doesn't. {Cut to a close-up of Honstlar.}
Either way, I don't think that would be a good idea. Altering the timeline could cause major repercussions and- {Zoom out to reveal that Homestar has left.} -he's already gone, isn't he? {Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Bubs is seen polishing a vacuum tube.} {singing} I'm polishin' a radio tube... {Homestar runs up to Bubs.} Bubs, Bubs, Bubs! I need you to build me a time capsule! I mean, time machine!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 16, 2022 22:01:06 GMT -6
No problem! {takes out a clock} This figurative baby right here will tell you the current hour, minute, even second! I'll take it! I'll take twelve! {arrives} I think he wanted a machine that can travel through time, not tell time. Even no problemlier! {takes out the same clock again} This clock travels through time at a rate of one second per second. And it can do the same for you! I'll take even twelvelier! Uh, specifically a machine that can travel backwards in time. You got any of those? Well, that'll be more complicated. I'll need $67,000 and the resources to build such a device: a quantumated microcosm, a hydraulic press, a flux capacitor, 3 miles of duct tape, a ham 'n cheese sammich, a fresh stapler, a jar of beeswax, a length of pipe, another mile of duct tape, cardboardium alloy, a 3.2ghz cell processor with 3 dual-threaded cores... and can I get some fries with the sammich? I can provide all of that, but you'll have to give me about three months for the sammich. Never mind. I'm sure we can find a better deal elsewhere. Good, 'cause I don't actually know how time travel works. Honstlar, I thought you didn't want me to do any of this time travel stuff! Yeah, but I figured you'd do it anyway, so I'm tagging along to ensure the timeline undergoes minimum devastation. Hey, thanks! Minimum devastation is my favorite kind!
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 21, 2022 13:46:01 GMT -6
{Cut to SRMX12 in the Hatquarters typing on his Prisma One.}
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 23, 2022 22:29:47 GMT -6
Obtaining exotic matter via Casimir-Polder force... Reversing tachyon condensation... Should be about done! {walks in} Hey there, SR-and-other-letters— And a number. —whatcha be's doin'? I'm adding a time machine to the Hatquarters. Didn't you already make one of those out of a cardboard box? 'Twas stolen by Grindolo some time ago, remember? I assume his minions got hold of it and deactivated the tracker, but they haven't been seen since Grindolo's demise, so I have no idea how I'd go about finding it. Right, right. Let's hope they don't cause some world-ending catastrophe, then. Anyway, my girlfriend's mad at me, can I use your time box? No. Right, right, right. Can I steal your time box? No. What if you don't notice? No. Do you take bribes? In exchange for you giving me your time machine, I'll, um... give you your time machine back.
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 23, 2022 22:43:47 GMT -6
Still no. Okay, can I never not ungive the time box? Uh, yes? {Homestar snatches the time circuits.} Ha-ha!, so long, sucker! {Homestar dashes off.} Peow! Gragh, flod dannit!! {Cut to Honstlar standing behind the fence in Strong Badia. Homestar walks in holding the time circuits} {whispering} Okay, I have the stuff, now all we need is something to put them in. Why are you whispering? {still whispering} Because, the Bear Holding A Shark is sleeping.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jun 27, 2022 21:56:21 GMT -6
Well, if 16th century philosopher Calvin has taught me anything, it's that there's no better material to make a time machine with than cardboard. {takes out a cardboard box} I was hoping for something a bit sturdier. Like this? {takes out another cardboard box} Yeah, that's perfect. Say, how many boxes you've got on you anyways? You don't want to know. That sounds like it might be at least a couple. Where'd you get them? I've been sneaking 'em outta the Box Dimension ever since those dang penguins left. Sweet, the extradimensional energy should facilitate successful spacetime traversal! That's not a very Homestar Runner-y sentence. That's 'cause I wasn't finished. Um, pancake. There, I'm done. {They put the time circuits into the cardboard box and get inside. Homestar puts on a pair of goggles.}
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Post by Honstlar on Jun 28, 2022 15:11:58 GMT -6
Atomic batteries to power. {Homestar flips a switch on the circuits.} Burbines to speed. {Homestar turns a knob.} Deploy yogurt dispenser. {Homestar pulls out a faucet and turns a knob, causing yogurt to pour out.} Enter co-ordinates. {Honstlar uses his face to push various buttons on a keypad.} Boop boop, beep beep, bip bap boop. Now let's rock and roll! {Cut to Honstlar's foot slamming on a pedal.}
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jul 3, 2022 16:40:31 GMT -6
{Nothing happens.} Did it— {The box vanishes, and Homestar and Honstlar with it. Cut to them soaring at high velocity through the timescape.} AAAAAAAAAHHHH!! Ooh, I can see my birthday from here! And hey, is that the mesozoic era? Don't worry about those, we're finding the year 2000! Right, right. Is that a left on exit 27? Yep, should be just to the east of the industrial revolution.
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Post by Honstlar on Jul 3, 2022 20:18:14 GMT -6
You mean the place with all those tanks and that guy with the funny mustache? That's World War 1.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jul 8, 2022 21:24:19 GMT -6
{The two are stopped by a crossing guard.}GUARD: Do you have any fruit to declare? I brought some bananas along. GUARD: Can't have fruit crossing to different time periods. Hand 'em over.
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Post by Honstlar on Jul 8, 2022 22:29:40 GMT -6
Okay, you asked for it. {Honstlar squeezes the bananas, causing them to splurt banana guts all over the guard.} Guard: AHHH! Banana, my only weakness! {The guard disappears in a puff of smoke, to the sound of someone gasping for breath.} Woah, didn't see that coming. Maybe we should leave. Agreed. {The box speeds off.} WAAHHH!! {Cut to the box flying towards a purple portal, then cut to the Field circa May 2000. Lightning strikes, and the box appears where it struck. Honstlar has black outlines and Homestar is in his fifth design.} Woah. That was, without a doubt, the second greatest video game I've ever played.
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Becca!!
Acolyte
Version 3.5!
Posts: 24
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Post by Becca!! on Jul 19, 2022 14:26:45 GMT -6
Holy crap!
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Post by Honstlar on Jul 19, 2022 15:19:01 GMT -6
Oh no, someone heard us! Initiate cloaking device! Aye aye, cap'n! (They turn the box upside down and hide under it. Strong Bad walks past it.) (Whispering) That was a close one.
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Becca!!
Acolyte
Version 3.5!
Posts: 24
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Post by Becca!! on Jul 19, 2022 17:27:00 GMT -6
Thank goodness I have my Limozeen: Zeenin' Into The Night DVDs! Man, what a reboot!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Aug 8, 2022 23:35:39 GMT -6
What does that have to do with anything? They're just really good DVDs. So how do you suggest we stop Strong Bad from spoiling the surprise? The answer is simple, my friend. {holds up DVDs} DVDs. Like, bribe him with DVDs? You said it, not me.
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 27, 2022 18:11:31 GMT -6
Then what are you going to do? Hmm... (Cut to Strong Bad walking.) And I pretend that it's made of money... (A DVD embeds itself into Strong Bad's signature husky head, causing him to fall over. Cut back to Homestar and Honstlar.) Clever thinking, Homestar! I just hope that it didn't kill him or anything. Oh, you worry too much. (Cut to Homestar walking over to the unconscious Strong Bad.) Ooh, he left behind his training gloves... I call dibs! (He yanks the pink oven mitts off of Strong Bad's already gloved hands.) {offscreen} Aw man, I wanted those! (Homestar speeds off.) {mumbling} Skully— hurty— Dr.— Mario— {more mumbling} (Cut back to Honstlar and Homestar.)
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Nov 3, 2022 0:39:24 GMT -6
You think that was enough to stop Strong Bad from spilling the beans? What, potential brain damage? Yeah, probably. Depends what kind of beans, though. The "telling Marzipan what you're getting her for her birthday" kind. Oh, I haven't tasted those. Or spilled them. So I wouldn't know. Well, as long as he stays unconscious until the party, we should be good. {Cut to a wide shot.} Wait, where'd he go? {Cut to Marzipan watering some flowers with a watering can that says "H2Oh!".} {singing to herself} My birthday, my birthday, it's almost my birthday. Yeah yeah yeah... {Strong Bad staggers over slowly.} Hey... Marzipan. I... oh, my head. I was gonna tell you something, just, uh... give me a couple minutes to remember what it was. Yeah, me too! {Cut to Homestar and Honstlar running across the Field.} If my calculations are correct, Strong Bad currently exists, and if my shot-in-the-dark guesswork is any indication, we have approximately two minutes to stop him! Well, they don't not call me Homestar Almonzo for nothing! Hey, slow down. My last name's Waddler, remember? I've never really been into the whole "running" thing. Besides, if you accidentally run into your past self, it could cause a paradox that could spell the end of time and space as we know it! {Homestar crashes into another Homestar.} T-H-E-E-N-D-O-F-T-I-M-E-A-N-D-S-P-A-C-E-A-S-W-E-K-N-O-W-I-T. Was that good? PAST HOMESTAR: {in his 2000 voice} Who are you? I'm the newer, older, cooler you! Too bad you won't live to be me, since reality's gonna 'splode. Actually, that was just another guess on my part. Seeing as we're all still alive, I guess the space-time continuum's tougher than I thought. Say, older, younger, fatter me, you wanna help us stop your girlfriend from going crazy in the future? PAST HOMESTAR: Oooo- kay!
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 3, 2022 1:15:33 GMT -6
Here's what we need you to do. (Honstlar, Classic Homestar and Modern Homestar huddle together.) {very quietly} Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper... (Honstlar continues to unintelligibly whisper.)
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Nov 10, 2022 20:55:04 GMT -6
PAST HOMESTAR: What a great plan! Let's go stop Strong Bayaaa-a-a-aaad! {Cut back to Strong Bad and Marzipan.} I was gonna say something... I think it was about the Yello Dello? Oh, right, I remember now. {Past Homestar runs in.}PAST HOMESTAR: Whisper whisper whisper! What? PAST HOMESTAR: Whisper whisper! That's our plan! {whispering from the bushes} You're doing great! Keep him distracted until he forgets what he was gonna say! Who was that? PAST HOMESTAR: Oh! I'm just practicing ventriloquism. In the bushes. {whispering in the bushes} He's not doing great at this. You should take over. {Homestar is knocked out by a wooden plank from the bushes and dragged inside.} I must admit, I've never seen ventriloquism so advanced. {Homestar emerges from the bushes.} Hi, I'm the same Homestar from before. Are you distracted yet?
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 13, 2022 3:05:50 GMT -6
{confused} Kinda?
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Jan 20, 2023 16:28:49 GMT -6
Yay, it's working! Just keep being distracted, okay? Sure. Great, just like that. Just a few more seconds. {Pause.} Hey Strong Bad, have you forgotten what you were going to say yet? I'm too weirded out to remember anything anymore. Yay, I did it! Remember Marzipan, don't expect to receive any birds on your birthday, for no particular reason! Why would I expect that? No one around here has any fingers. {Cut to Homestar and Honstlar back at the time machine.} I think that went well.
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Post by Honstlar on Jan 21, 2023 19:56:53 GMT -6
I agree. Turns out those Limozeen DVDs were lucky after all! And now time to return to the present and see what's changed! {Homestar and Honstlar hop back into the time machine.} Deploy eyegear. {Homestar puts on his goggles.} Invert neutron flow. {Homestar pushes a switch on the circuits.} Ignition on. {Honstlar turns a key.} Throttle up. {Honstlar turns a crank.}
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Feb 2, 2023 1:10:30 GMT -6
Now we'll just press "GO" and we'll get back to the future in seconds! Or more precisely, in 22 years. {They warp to the future in 22 years.}
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Post by Honstlar on Mar 5, 2023 3:57:18 GMT -6
Well, so far things look the same as when we left... But do they taste the same? {Homestar jumps out of the time machine and takes a bite out of the grass.}
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