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Post by Honstlar on Sept 8, 2022 14:51:37 GMT -6
Synopsis: Zascub drags Greg into his quest to film the legendary Crassquatch, an escaped convict trapped in a gorilla suit. (We open on Greg walking into his bathroom, where he begins to brush his teeth. Zascub is standing in the bathtub with a creepy grin, while holding an old camcorder. His reflection can be seen in the mirror, but Greg does not notice until he turns around.) WAAHHH!!! Hi, Greg! Notice anything different about me today? You're in my bathroom? No, stupid! I'm holding a camcorder! And it is a very nice one. NOW GET OUT OF MY FREAKING HOUSE! (Greg storms out of the bathroom. We then cut to inside his room where he is walking towards his bed.) The nerve of some people... (Zascub emerges from inside Greg's sheets, still holding the camera.) Yeah, I know. AAHH! How did you get in here so fast!?!? Oh, wouldn't you like to know... (Greg opens a window.) JUST GET OUT!! (He throws Zascub out of the window, then closes it. Cut to Greg walking towards his closet door.) Can't that guy take no for an answer? (He opens the door, revealing Zascub and the camera again.) No, but I do accept "maybe" and "absolutely"! HOW THE HELL DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS!?!? IT'S LIKE MY WHOLE LIFE IS JUST ONE LONG MOMENT OF AGONY!! Well, you're not gonna find out with that attitude! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!? Well, for starters, I would appreciate it if you stopped yelling at me. Second of all, I have a problem, and I need you to solve it. And that would be? I need you to join me on a film-making expedition to find the most mystical, magical, majestical, momentusical thing in the whole dang world: the Crassquatch! Oh, okay! (Greg tries to close the door, but Zascub holds it back.) Oh, no, you don't! I didn't master the dark arts of infiltration just to have you turn me down! This is important, Greg! Madness, is what this is! I mean, really? The Crassquatch?!? Of all the ridiculous things you've made up, this has to be the most ridiculous! I'm not making it up! It's real. I've seen it myself! Oh yeah, then what does it look like? A guy in a gorilla suit. (Pause.) A what? A guy in a gorilla suit. (Pause.) That's pathetic, even for you.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Sept 10, 2022 0:01:18 GMT -6
Thanks, I know! You wanna come help me film it? I thought I already made my answer to that question blatantly apparent. Really? That's great, let's go! {Zascub runs out of the house, dragging Greg along.}{Cut to Zascub and Greg in a forest.} So, am I free to leave at any point, or is this more along the lines of a hostage situation? Yeah, mostly the second thing. I have work to get to. It's okay, I called your boss and told him you'd be taking the week off. This is gonna take a week? Hey, I gotta account for the possibility that we might get lost and resort to cannibalism to survive, or we might just have so much fun that we won't want to go home! I hate both of those possibilities. Besides, I've got laundry I need to be folding. I called your laundry and told them you'd be taking the week off. Uh, what about my other household chores? I did all those while you were sleeping last night, so you have nothing to worry about!
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Post by Honstlar on Sept 10, 2022 21:52:37 GMT -6
But what if I get hungry, or want a snack? (Zascub pulls out a bag of Cheat Commandos-branded cheese puffs) I have snacks! I brought them from home. (Cut to a close up of the bag as the Cheat Commandos theme plays.) Singers: Cheat Command-Tos, they're made with corn or something... buy all our playsets and toys! (Cut back to Greg.) But what if someone needs me? Like my neighbors? I took care of that. I called your neighbors and told them you'd be taking the week off and were no longer allowed to speak of your whereabouts. UGH!! I hate it when you get all organized!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Sept 17, 2022 0:15:35 GMT -6
{Cut to a clearing in the woods where Zascub and Greg arrive.} Ah, this looks like the perfect place to set up camp. {takes a tent out of his backpack} {sigh} Of course we're staying here overnight. {setting up the tent} You got it! The Crassquatch only comes out at night, so we'll have to stay out here for a while. I just want to go home... Can you get started on a fire? I packed marshmallows. {pause}{Cut to Greg and Zascub roasting marshmallows as it gets dark.} ...Then they turned the corner in search of Bradley... {wide-eyed and utterly engrossed} Uh-huh... And when they looked up... {leaning forward} What? What? ...They saw the Crassquatch holding a human foot. EEK! {hides in his sleeping bag, quivering} And they were never seen again. The end. {clapping} Another one! Another one!
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 14, 2022 16:25:06 GMT -6
Okay, okay. {clears throat} A long time ago, there was a vicious criminal named Charles Q. Zircon... (Fade to a grizzled convict in a jail cell.) (Voiceover) ...who had long made Free Country, USA Maximum Security Co-Ed Prison his home. He had gotten a life sentence for, let's just say, really bad things. But for some reason, he thought that one day he'd be a big movie star. So he decided to try to escape. The first thing he tried was sneaking past the guards by digging a hole under a fence, but the hole got filled up with mud before he could escape. So he had to wait for the weather to dry up. When he finally got the chance to escape, he jumped over the wall onto a nearby tree. Charles Q. Zircon: FREEDOM! But he missed a branch and fell to the ground. He broke both of his legs and couldn't get up. The guards found him the next day and returned him to his cell. The second thing he tried was creating a teleporter out of soap and pillows. Charles Q. Zircon: FREEDOM 2! But he accidentally short circuited one of the soap bars and the teleporter exploded, launching him 10 feet in the air, then causing him to land on his butt, breaking his hip. After he healed, he decided to try one more thing, something he hadn't tried before... (Cut back to Greg and Zascub.) What did he do? He tried opening the door. (Cut back to Charles opening the cell door.) {voiceover} Turns out they forgot to lock the doors after his first attempt. Charles Q. Zircon: Uhh.... FREEDOM 3! (Charles flees.) {also voiceover} So did he make it out? He was about to, but then he forgot to get back his belongings. So he went to the confiscation center to do just that, but the only thing there was an old gorilla suit. Realizing someone might recognize him once he got out, he decided to put it on. What he didn't realize was that after he put it on, the zipper broke off. GASP! It gets worse, as right as he was about to exit through the front gate, the tree he tried to land in before fell right onto his head! When he woke up, he had no idea who he was, what he was, how to speak, etc. But then he saw his reelection in a puddle. Charles Q. Zircon: {inquisitive grunt} And it was at that point, he realized who he was. Charles Q. Zircon: {Loud gorilla noises.} And so he fled to the woods, where he remains to this day. Wait, wouldn't that mean- Yes, that man became... THE CRASSQUATCH!!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Oct 18, 2022 2:09:46 GMT -6
So we're out in the middle of the woods, in the dead of night, looking for a criminal. An amnesiac criminal. That doesn't make me any less unsettled. An angry amnesiac criminal that thinks he's a gorilla. You can stop making this worse now. It's fine. It's not like criminals or gorillas have ever caused anyone any harm! You're gonna want to fact-check that. {reading a book titled "CRIMINALS AND GORILLAS CAN BE PRETTY DANGEROUS"} Well, I'll be. I knew it was a good idea to bring this book along. Still, it's not like criminals trapped in gorilla suits have ever caused anyone any harm! Yeah, and we'll be the first. That's ridiculous! We're two people. You'll be the first, and I'll be the second. Wait, why am I getting killed first? I'm faster. Way to raise my spirits. 'Sides, it's not like he'll even see us. We'll be getting our footage from afar. {holds up camera} What's that blinking light mean? I thought you were an expert on blinking, you should know. I only know about the eyelid kind. For your information, this means it's recording. {the light turns orange} And the orange light means it's low on battery. And when the light turns off, that means it's out of battery. {the light turns off} Hey, why'd the light turn off? Great, we came all the way out here for nothing. We needn't fret! I left out the part of the Crassquatch's origin story where he got some camera batteries stuck in his gorilla suit. All we need to do is get those out and our filming expedition be back on track!
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 26, 2022 20:40:44 GMT -6
Wow, that's oddly convenient. That's nothing, wait til' I tell you about the mini-fridge!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Oct 26, 2022 21:39:38 GMT -6
{Stomping and growling is heard.} What was that? Uh... sea monkeys? I don't think sea monkeys make that sound. Oh. Then it's a quetzalcoatlus. Those are extinct. Then, by process of elimination, it must be... THE C-C-C-CRASSQUATCH! I was thinking lemon meringue pie, but your hypothesis makes more sense.
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Post by Honstlar on Oct 27, 2022 18:13:20 GMT -6
(Cut to some big, shadowy thing walking towards Zascub and Greg.)
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Nov 3, 2022 0:48:29 GMT -6
There it is! Now we can get the batteries! How?! They're inside the suit and the zipper broke off! It's okay, I know a shortcut. TO WHERE?!? {Zascub disappears into the bushes. He is seen in the background swirving around some trees, flying a plane offscreen, climbing out of a hole in the ground before jumping into a tree hole.} Typical. Takes me to the forest, flees as soon as we encounter something dangerous, and leaves me to die. {The Crassquatch snatches Greg and lifts him up, growling and drooling menacingly.} I wouldn't eat me if I were you. I taste like rancid carbonara. Don't ask me how I know this. {The Crassquatch lifts Greg closer to his mouth...} No, I don't want to die! STOP! {Zascub pokes out of the Crassquatch suit's eyehole.} Sorry, that shortcut took longer than I thought. {holds up some batteries} Here's the batteries by the way.
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 3, 2022 18:19:47 GMT -6
Whaaaaaat?
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Nov 10, 2022 21:14:49 GMT -6
{jumps out of the suit} A good sense of direction is an invaluable skill. Put the batteries in the camera and start filming, won't you? {Greg starts filming.} Behold! From the forest's depths, the elusive creature unveiled! The moonlight casts the Crassquatch in an eerie glow as he growls with cruel vitriol, brought into focus by descriptive and captivating narration.
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 10, 2022 22:08:50 GMT -6
{The Crassquatch tilts his head in confusion.}
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Nov 17, 2022 2:44:49 GMT -6
Come on, Crassquatch, do something exciting. You're making this really difficult. {The Crassquatch grabs Zascub and runs off.} {as he's carried into the distance} I guess this coooounts! Nooo! Zascub! That's your name, right? {Greg is left alone in the forest with the camera.} 'Least I got that on tape.
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Post by Honstlar on Jan 21, 2023 22:49:12 GMT -6
{Cut to an unconscious Zascub tied up in a cave.}
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Feb 13, 2023 2:59:04 GMT -6
{wakes up} Dang. What a neat cave this is. It's even got stalac of the tites and mites varieties! {Pause. Moisture drips from the mossy ceiling.} You know, if I had been visibly injured in a car accident, this whole abduction-type deal would be a really great way to work that into the footage we're filming. {Pause.} I'm not sure who will get that reference. Especially since there doesn't seem to be anyone nearby. {Pause.} And I'm now beginning to realize how inconvenient that is. There's no one around to untie me, make sure my basic survival needs are being met, or get my dumb jokes! Well, I suppose I could pass time by counting the stalactites! One... {Long pause. Another drip from the ceiling.} That's all I can see from here. That was great! I feel better already. {Longer pause. Moisture drips up from the floor.} But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? {Pause.} Nah, that'd never work. Hey, wait a minute! I remember learning exactly what to do in a situation like this... it's time to finally put that knowledge to use! {Zascub takes a deep breath, lies down, and rolls around.} {in despair} "Stop, Drop, and Roll" isn't working! I'm never going to get out of here!! {An imposing silhouette emerges from the darkness.} Oh! Howdy stranger, you look very silhouetted today. Are you hear to untie me, make sure my basic survival needs are being met, or get my dumb jokes? {The silhouette makes a Crassquatch-like grunt.} I'm guessing that's a "no" to at least two of those things.
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Post by Honstlar on Jul 16, 2023 13:21:41 GMT -6
{The silhouette moves closer to Zascub, revealing itself to be (what a surprise) the Crassquatch.} {Nervously} Wow, that sure is a face you got there.
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Aug 5, 2023 1:58:38 GMT -6
{The Crassquatch's stomach growls as he grabs Zascub.} I should be grateful that your suit doesn't have a mouth hole... or, I guess there's nothing stopping you from squeezing me through your suit's eyeholes piece by piece and feasting on me that way. I really wish I hadn't thought of that possibility. {Just as the Crassquatch prepares its eyeholes for consumption in a suspenseful manner... it is suddenly knocked back by a flash of light.} {walks in, holding the camera} And they say flash is dead. Greg! You saved me! Yeah, it'd be awkward if I had to explain to the other guys that you were eaten by a gorilla suit man. So I decided I might as well help. Well, that's about enough of both squatch and crass for me, and we've got the footage we need, so let's get going!
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Post by Honstlar on Aug 19, 2023 6:53:24 GMT -6
{The two flee from the cave as The Crassquatch roars and chases after them. Cut to Greg and Zascub running through the forest.} (Heavy panting) WHERE THE HIGGITY-HELL IS OUR CAMPSITE?!? I keep telling you it was next to the tree with 4 branches! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT NARROWS IT DOWN?!?!?
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Aug 26, 2023 0:17:36 GMT -6
Yes, it narrows it down 17%! All we have to do is search the remaining 83%. Let's get counting! One, two, three... no, not this one. One, two, three, four... is it this one? Hmm, I don't think so. {The Crassquatch rips off a tree trunk and swings it at the duo.} Hey, we're trying to find a specific four-branchèd tree here. Swinging 'em around is not going to help! {talking into a phone} Hi, dad. Getting chased by a gorilla man right now, think I'm gonna die. Make sure no one gets my rare Japanese logos. {dials another number} Hi, evil dad. Getting chased by a gorilla man right now— Hey, can you call my phone? Why? You're right here! I was gonna call my evil mom next. Just call it. Okay. {A ringing sound is heard from within the Crassquatch.} Uh oh. Did he eat our campsite? Not quite. I think I just left our supplies in that suit when I took that shortcut in there. If we wanna get our stuff back, we need to get him out of that gorilla suit.
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 9, 2023 3:22:06 GMT -6
And just how do you suggest we do that? Hmmm... {The phone inside Crassquatch rings again.}Crassquatch: {confused grunt} {beep} {slightly muffled} Hi, this is Zascub, I'm out trying to film a braindead homicidal maniac trapped in a gorilla suit, and then I might go look at the fall colors. Please leave me a message, and I'll call you right back. {beep}
Congratulations, Mr. or Ms. {monotone voice} insert name here {normal voice} You're the lucky winner of the Hollerin' Jimmy Build Your Own One World Government Sweepstakes!! Crassquatch: {excited grunt} All you have to do to claim your prize is stand in the middle of the nearest forest and do these three tasks. Crassquatch: {inquisitive grunt} Do a quadruple inverted 360 kickflip... {The Crassquatch does exactly that.} ...rip off your own flesh...
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Nov 12, 2023 21:58:28 GMT -6
{The Crassquatch rips off the costume, revealing a hairy, gorilla-like man underneath.} ...and, uh, give us back our camp supplies. {The Crassquatch returns Greg and Zascub's supplies.} {hangs up the phone} Wow, who knew all it took to get the Crassquatch out of his suit was the right motivation? {Gfd walks in, without flesh.} Hi! My quadruple inverted 360 kickflip was a bit rusty, and I'm afraid I don't have your camp supplies. Do I still win the sweepstakes?
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 13, 2023 10:25:40 GMT -6
{Greg facepalms. We then fade to Greg and Zascub in the Video Dungeon.} Alright, let's review that footage...
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Nov 17, 2023 3:17:56 GMT -6
{Cut to the TV. Zascub and Greg are shown walking through the forest.} Hey, I know that guy! That's me! Ooh, and I know that other guy! That's not me! {Cut to a shot of Zascub and Greg setting up the tent.} Hey, I know both of those guys too! They're me and not me, respectively. You don't need to point us out whenever we're onscreen. {Cut to blurry footage of the Crassquatch.} Ugh... blurry. Just like all the other Crassquatch sightings. Aw, now nobody will believe we actually saw it. VOICE: That's disappointing. {Cut to a zoomed-out shot revealing Charles Q. Zircon sitting next to them.}CHARLES: I mean, you'd think you'd have come back from that trip with at least some concrete proof that the Crassquatch was real. Yeah, you'd think so. But sometimes things just don't work out.
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Post by Honstlar on Nov 17, 2023 3:31:38 GMT -6
(Pause.) Wait a minute...
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Dec 19, 2023 2:45:23 GMT -6
...what if we run the footage through some kinda AI upscaling filter? Automobile Ignition? CHARLES: Annual Income? Argument Initiator? CHARLES: Armadillo Incident? Aaaaaaah I'm-being-chased-by-a-mutant-cow-with-laser-feet? Or, wait. What if we just get Charles here to tell everyone that he was really the Crassquatch? Oh yeah! Somehow that didn't occur to me the entire time we spent bringing him here. Let's cut to the Soapbox. {Cut to the Soapbox. Greg and Zascub stand on it, while everyone else is gathered around.} Attention, Free Country, USA! We bring proof of something once believed to be a mysterious myth and/or legendary legend. You might want to get your eyes checked, because you won't believe them after this! You won't believe your left elbow either! Prepare to be bamboozled, flabbergasted, hornswoggled, zambledonked, swashboggled, jamdargled, and possibly even bemused!
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Post by Honstlar on Dec 27, 2023 23:55:55 GMT -6
Or heaven forbid, bamblabberswoggledonkbogglejamused!
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Post by Gfdgsgxgzgdrc on Feb 10, 2024 22:02:47 GMT -6
I'm already bamblabberswoggledonkbogglejamused! I wouldn't recommend it! My vitals have been in critical condition for three weeks! Now, without further ado... No wait, one more ado. Oh. Which one? The good one. Oh, right. That's a good ado. {A good ado happens.} Now, without further ado, I present... CHARLES Q. ZIRCON, THE LEGENDARY CRASSQUATCH!! {Charles crawls out of the Soapbox.}CHARLES: Hey guys, it's me. That guy he just said.
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